Wherein I Begin Completely Contradicting Myself

Oh wait! There's some wrestling related stuff I want to blog about.

The Rock Confirms Retirment- Well, given the fact that the guy hasn't wrestled a match since Wrestlemania 20, it doesn't come as that big of a surprise. That said, it's still kind of sad to see, if for no other reason than that there are still a few dream matches I'd like to see him in (HBK, Cena, and Sting are all things I'd mark out for, even if the latter two sound dodgy even to me) and any random compilation of his greatest hits on youtube is enough to make you really bummed out that he's moved on to Hollywood completely, even if no one can begrudge the guy, especially since it's something everyone from Hulk Hogan to Bret Hart's at least contemplated. Well, unless you're this guy, who is probably still doing a victory lap around Chicago. Or died from the joy of it all. Or whatever the hell he's doing instead of writing his incredibly bitter, nasty, insulting, and yet also undeniably insightful wrestling columns for the Pulse. By the way, that was the best example I could find of his hatred of the Rock via Google. Which is one of the reasons I'm sure he'd call me a retard. Beyond the fact that I, you know, really like the Rock.

Daviari and Teddy Hart released- Daivari I was a little bummed by, because I liked him quite a bit; he could work, he drew heat exceptionally well (even if a lot of it was of the cheap, "he's foreign!" variety), and he busted his ass to get Muhamad Hassan, Mark Henry, and the Great Kahli over, which alone should get him nominated for some kind of wrestling saint hood. I mean, could you ever imagine their being a career progression in which you kept getting paired with increasingly worse guys when you started out with Muhammad goddam Hussan? Although he did get to be Kurt Angle's personal ref and manager for a couple months, so that sort of evened things out. So it's a little disappointing to see him leave, even it's probably a good move for him, given how totally lost in the shuffle he was as a singles competitor. A good reason why the Cruiserweight Title should probably be retired? They never tried to extract some cheap heat by giving him a run with it.

Teddy getting fired for being a dick is pretty much a non story. It's on the level of inevitability of Kid Kash getting sacked; you knew it would happen the moment they brought him in. With Harry Smith having had his big debut already (although calling it big is stretching it considerably, given how the guy didn't even get a vignette to hype his debut), it looks like the New Hart Foundation angle may have ended prematurely. Although it may have made for some great heat for all of them and a cool mark out moment, it's probably better they all get to establish themselves in their own right (well, as much as the children of the Bulldog, the Anvil, and maybe Ted Dibiase can being that they'll be as much in their fathers' shadows as Cody Rhodes is right now) before pushing them in to the exact roles their parents made famous.

It is kind of a buzzkill to see someone as talented as Teddy Hart get the boot before he could even get on WWE TV. The guy made a hell of an impression on me in extremely abbreviated circumstances (his WSX matches, and some TNA X-Cup stuff I've seen on youtube); he can certainly do a mean spot fest with the best of them, and has a unique look on top of it. But the guy was first released by the WWE for this kind of thing when he was a teenager, and he's been through pretty much every major promotion you can speak of; although the massive double standard of having Captain Gymbagshitter holding the top belt in the company while letting guys like Hart go exists, I can't get that worked up over it considering I expected the guy to find a way to screw it up for himself again before long.

And there's a fairly newly broken one I feel like commenting on, too; Rikishi's left TNA, apparently over money (at least that's the initial report). While he had some fun matches in this extremely brief return to mainstream U.S. wrestling, I don't think I'll have much time to miss him with the bloated roster of guys that are currently plying their trade in Tampa. Booker's on his way, so they've already got a much bigger name (and proven main event commodity) to take his place. Besides, it was seriously pushing it having him do as many main events as he had since coming in; he always worked best as a midcard comedy act, and while I could handle him get a solid push beyond that, they have way too many people more deserving than he is of that spot to keep him there. They also don't need to be sinking a lot of money in to him.

Man, I totally buried the guy there. I didn't mean to go that far. Even if I think pretty much everything I wrote there is right. I did enjoy his work on Impact lately, I just don't think it's a major loss that he's moved on. I do hope TNA isn't screwing him over, too. Yeah, that seems like the right thing to say there. He does have a gigantic ass and every Samoan wrestler ever as a family member to support, after all.

Reasons Why I May Not Be Blogging Much For Awhile

I rented the Conan game for the XBOX 360 last night. Well, that and I may be painting the house this weekend. But mostly Conan. While it borrows so heavily from God of War it's basically Homer to Kratos's Flanders (a deity murdering Flanders, mind you), and it probably won't live up to the original R.E. Howard stories and the Roy Thomas comics adaptations of them, but, you can totally cut a guy in half! And Ron (Hellboy) Perlman does the Cimmerian's voice. Which doesn't really fit with my conception of the character, but fuck it (or butt fuck it, I guess, depending on your preference); it's Ron Perlman! I can see how the game could be pretty frustrating as it goes on, which a lot of the reviews have criticized it for, but being able to chop hapless pirates in half as Conan the god damn Barbarian (as everyone would surely call him if Frank Miller wrote him) mitigates that. At least until I get to a part of the game where I keep dying; then I'm dropping it like Hugh Heffner drops a girlfriend after she turns 30. But even if I give up on Conan's latest attempt to conquer a new medium (this time not including either Grace Jones or any current governors), there are so damn many cool looking games out or soon to be on the shelves that I'm probably going to be playing my 360 until the red rings of death carry it off to Valhalla (or wherever Microsoft repairs the things) like a funeral pyre. So yeah, I can totally see myself slacking off on talking about wrestling here. Or on maintaining a healthy social life. Or life, period. I may not see my loved ones much either. So bicthing about Big Daddy V and whatever TNA's up to; not so much of a priority for awhile. Of course, having said that, I will probably totally contradict it by blogging up a storm around here. After all, nerd can not live on escapist fantasy alone; we have to bitch about it on the internet, too.

Tommy Dreamer: Great Paul Heyman, or the Greatest Paul Heyman?

So, yeah, Dreamer's Paul E. costume (and Joey and Tazz burying their old boss without ever mentioning his name) is the best thing on ECW ever. In any incarnation. The rest of the show was the usual, although the Miz/Morrison match was shockingly pretty solid stuff (for serious!) until the abrupt ending. The Battle Royal, well, it was only five minutes and I still fast fowarded through it. Mark Henry going over was kind of a surprise, almost as much as the fact that after the first ten years of his career, the WWE decided to renew his contract. That said, he's the kind of mid-drawer guy who never caught on anywhere else that the old ECW used to get over when the real Paul E. was in charge. Of course, he hid everyone's (often glaring weaknesses), while the WWE just keeps pounding away on pushes for people like Henry and other people who generated less heat than a meat locker until the crowd either gives in and accepts them at the level Vince and co. are convinced they deserve to be on or they finally throw up their hands and give up. Test is the best recent example. But anyway, to bludgeon a deadhorse with a barbwire wrapped kendo stick (because that's one extreme metaphor), I'd be willing to take Mark Henry as an ECW main eventer over Viscera at this point. I used to kind of like Vis, too; maybe it's his jiggly moobs that have unleashed my fury on him. Or hanging out with Matt Stryker. In any event, I'm at the point where Black Predator is looking like a good alternative, so things are dire. Almost as dire as the length of this paragraph.

I wring some snarky humor from a Sandman Interview at PWMania

It can be found here. It's not really revelatory or a shoot or anything. According to old Sandy himself (which is something I'd never call him to his face, but will totally use here), he didn't quit over a beef with Ricky Steamboat, but instead because he wanted to spend more time with his family, presumably because Raven needs a break from them. Apparently Tod Gordon is taking his bookings. Yes, that Tod Gordon. So, if you want a cane swinging drunk to appear at your next birthday party or quincenera, then now you know how to set it up. You're welcome. Now that I've brought that idea up, I'm wondering how much money it would take to get Brad Armstrong to dress up as Archnaman and fight him in my backyard. I would totally do that if I won the lottery. Which is why I should never have money.

Reactions to the last two WWE shows, which I've barely watched and the next one, which I kind of don't want to

Cyber Sunday- I'll be damned; they did finally put Batista over the Undertaker decisively. Admittedly, it took three Batista Bombs, but that's about par for the course as far as what it takes to beat the Undertaker goes. It was also nice to see these two finally get the main event after being stuck in the middle of the card during their first two PPV matches. I wonder how much that will happen now that Cena won't be around for awhile?

The rest of the card sounded solid, and if nothing else, CM Punk got to wrestle and Finlay vs. Rey actually had a finish, so it sounds like a better show than No Mercy was last month. I may give this one a rental at some point, but that's about as far as I'd go on spending money on it.

I haven't finished watching RAW yet, and I'm not sure I'm going to. It doesn't seem like much interesting happened beyond the first hour, which I did catch. Battle Royals and Diva matches are already guilty pleasures for me, so put them together and add goofy costumes, and you've got a good time that makes me feel sort of like an asshole for enjoying. There were a lot of fun little touches here, from Maria getting her tail tied to the rope, to Mickie James apparent Tatanka worship, to Victoria's banzai drop, that made this one of the more enjoyable openers in recent memory. It was also cool to see Mickie and Melina (who should always wear a showgirl outfit, I think) go at it in the little series they worked in there; it's a shame that they've both been depushed so severely, as they have a good chemistry and can do stuff none of the other Divas are capable of.

Devoting more words to the Divas than are probably neccessary, Beth Phoenix's promo sets up a pretty interesting direction for them to take with her feud with Candice, as they could really build it up while Candice is on the shelf and make her return a big, triumphant thing. That could make the usually filler-tastic Women's match at Wrestlemania mean a little more than it usually does.

I did catch the end of the show, and the one night return of DX is an interesting idea, and one I expected them to save for Survivor Series given that Umaga and Orton vs. HBK and HHH was advertised as the main event wherever they're holding the show. Of course, those things are about as reliable a deadbeat dad at Christmas, but it seemed like something they would do. It will be interesting to see how long Shawn and Orton will be working together and whether they'll be headlining the show or stuck in the middle of the card (assuming the next matches in the series don't end with low blows).

Speaking of Shawn, I've always liked the dynamics of the feud between he and Vince. While it degenerated (no pun intended) in to dumb crap like Vince putting himself over God and, well, the entire DX/McMahon feud, I liked the idea behind it, that deep down Vince resented the peace Shawn had found through his family and religion, and wanted to drag him back down in to the mud with him because of that. They quickly abandoned that in their original feud last year in favor of dick jokes and roofies in Shawn's water, so it was nice to see all that resurface in their interview last night.

ECW tonight promises a Monster Mash Battle Royal, a.k.a the only match in history where Kane is far and away the best worker and will hae to carry the whole thing to watchability. Good luck and godspeed, Mr. Jacobs.

Random Wrestling Thoughts Hulabaloo

Been awhile since I've been on here. Which is weird, because a decent amount has happened in wrestling lately.

For one, I actually watched, and enjoyed, Bound for Glory, probably more than any of the other TNA PPVs I've ever seen. The fact that all the faces won (and I'm counting AJ and Tomko as faces) in their biggest show of the year was a nice touch; I don't think I've seen that in a big time wrestling show in years, especially one where Vince Russo was on the booking team. I was going to do a full recap on it, but, well, it's kind of late now, and besides, I deleted it from my Tivo already. So here's some quick thoughts on what little I remember of the show:

LAX vs. XXX was a solid opener, with Hernandez totally stealing the show from where I sat. Sure, Elix got his patented bat shit crazy high spot, Homicide did some cool stuff (including the Don West markout inducing mid rope tope con hilo, which hurts 'Cide's street cred, but you can't blam everyone's fourth favorite wrestling color commentator for going nuts for it), and Senshi alternated between kicking people and looking around like a tool, but Hernandez looked like an absolute stud here. Of course, it helped that he had two guys he outweighs by a hundred pounds or so bumping like madmen for him, but I was really impressed by what he brought to the table. More performances like that, and he'll look like someone worth pushing as a singles act instead of just the parsley to Homicide's main dish.

Frankie Kazarian did the flux capacitor, which was cool, but that was pretty much the only memorable moment of the Fight For Your Right Battle Royal. I still like the idea of guys fighting to get in the match, making me apparently the only person outside of Tampa to think so.

The Tag Match was solid, although I thought it was dumb that they waited until then to give them a stand in for Pacman. On top of that, it looks pretty bush league to toss some random indie guy whose only distinguishing feature is an Afro Thunder-esque 'fro. I was also surprised that Pacman would reference the incident that led to a riot in a strip club that paralyzed a guy (an ex-wrestler, no less) and helped get him kicked out of the NFL, but then again, he's a grown man who calls himself Pacman, so that explains a lot. I did love that Hebner ignored the fall to pick up the money. Some people may not like Tomko having a belt, but the guy's improved a lot in the ring (admitedly, he used to be my least favorite wrestler in the world, so his being able to do more besides play the world's tallest straight man impresses the hell out of me), so I say good for him. Besides, it's better than having a disgraced cornerback holding a belt, so hey, progress.

Daniels/Lethal was solid, but not much more than that. It was nice to see Lethal get the win; they really need to try and establish a new star in the X-Division, even if it's the black guy who thinks he's Randy Savage. I also loved the top rope Lethal Combo; that was pretty slick. That said, I wasn't particularly blown away by this one. It was perfectly good, but Daniels in particular has established a higher standard. It helped that he had Joe and AJ to work with when he did, though, and neither of them was impersonating an insane legend of wrestling.

The Women's/Knockout/Wrestlers with Boobs! gauntlet was solid, and I was really happy to see Gail Kim win the belt; I've always liked her, and it's nice to see her get a run at holding a belt now that she's got a little experience under her, um, belt. I really overused that word there. They did a good job making Amazing Kong look like a monster (complete with Christy Hemme's hilarious intro); although her facial experessions and hairstyle make her resemble Booker T (if he were a large black woman), she's seriously imposing, and should make a good opponent for Kim, especially if they want to build up their Women's Division as a place for solid wrestling instead of T&A. It will be interesting, for someone like myself who actually likes women's wrestling, to see how the booking of Kong dovetails with the suddenly less imposing Beth Phoenix, who is playing a similar character. Hopefully no one will take as sick a fall as Candice did this week in the process.

I was expecting the tables match to suck, but it was a decent brawl (despite some lame weapons shots from the Steiners), reminscent of ECW in the way that the current ECW will probably never be again. It would be nice for the Steiners to go out on a high note here, but I think I saw them in them in the spoilers for this week's Impact (haven't had a chance to watch it yet), so apparently they're sticking around. 3D's apparently embarking on a mission to destroy the X-Division; hopefully this will help put over a new star better than the whole "Kevin Nash vs. the X-Division" experiment did. I mean, at the very least the Motor City Machine Guns' beating cries out for a revenge match, doesn't it?

Joe vs. Christian was indeed the match of the night, like I expected. It was nice to see Joe finally get a big, clean win over one of TNA's current main eventers, and the heat throughout the match was unreal; it really shows that they need to get out of the Impact Zone more, as the crowd has cooled on Joe tremendously there, but were rabid for him in Atlanta. Christian played his part beautifully, and everything clicked. It was also nice to see them not do the "shocking turn" with Matt Morgan, although hooking him up with Christian eventually would probably be a good idea.

Monster's Ball was okay for what it was, a bloody, garbagey brawl. They had a solid mix of veteran hands in there, which made for a better match than it would have been had Mesias (where the hell did he go? Not that I miss him) been in there, although an appearence from Sabu would have been cool (his no compete clause may have held that up). It was nice to see Abyss pick up the win, as he'd been in all of them but never gone over. If you view a year in TNA as going from Genesis to BFG, then it punctuated things for the big guy well. The broken glass always strikes me as being absurdly over the top; the kind of thing Bret Hart was bitching about years ago, when the WWF first strated moving toward the hardcore style, is coming true when fucking thumb tacks are no longer painful enough. That said, it was a solid match, and I felt like the right guy went over, which was a pleasent theme of the night.

The main event was pretty entertaining, too, although it was extremely overbooked. That can work when executed well, though, and I thought they did that here. Although Sting going over isn't a big picture kind of thing, especially since he's apparently planning on retiring soon, it worked well in the moment, especially in his old stomping ground. They've already put the belt back on Angle, anyway, which actually seems a little wrong headed to me, as Christian vs. Sting is still a novel enough main event, and he and Joe could easily get a main event program going given that they have some bad blood in the past. All that aside, both guys busted their asses here, pulling out everything from blade jobs to botched 450 splashes (have to give Angle credit for trying, and at least he didn't land on his head) to make this work, and not even the Kevin Nash power walk in and Karen Angle's continued on screen presence hurt things too much. Although Nash is wrestling in the main event this month, so fuck all this good feeling stuff. I did enjoy BFG a lot, though.

On the WWE side of things, ECW's gone from its potential deathbed (at least on Cable TV) to getting renewed in the time it's taken me to post again. In the process, they've intiated a talent exchange between ECW and Smackdown, which if nothing else gives Smackdown someone to look down upon, which is nice. Given ECW's paper thin roster, they really should have done this before. In theory, this sets up the possibility of some cool challengers for CM Punk; I would love to see him work with Finlay or Rey Mysterio, for instance, and this at least dangles the possibility in front of us. In practice, it's given us the Of Mice and Men tag team continuing Nunzio's three year jobbing streak and a horrible four way on the next episode. Kane being moved over permanently is a bit of a wash; if nothing else, it's his best chance to get a real title reign, a la Big Show, and if nothing else, I think he and Kevin Thorn could have a fun feud. I've finally warmed up on Thorn, by the way, even if I miss Shelly Martinez as his valet. All it took was 90% of the old ECW roster being fired or leaving and a different combination of him fighting Tommy Dreamer and Stevie Richards to do it! Much like Chuck Palumbo, I've gone from being incredibly bored with him to seeing him as a solid midcard big man. Maybe it's the Viscera effect; by comparison, I'd rather see the vampire guy than the one with bouncing moobs every week. That applies to everyone in ECW, and most everyone in pro wrestling, really. I'd take him over Karen Angle as Kurt's bitchy wife, though.

Beyond the continued existence of one of them, I don't have much to say about the WWE's weekly shows. Friday's Mysterio/Finlay vs. MVP 2.0 match was a lot of fun, but that's the only real stand out in the ring, and Troy Hepple can tell you more about it than I can. The previous week's MVP/Rey encounter was also really good, so much so that I'd like to see them get a PPV main event some day (which isn't as far fetched as it might have been one day). Outside of that axis of guys, though, I'm not much impressed by what's going on in WWE programming lately; it's nice to have Shawn back, but there's only so much he can do with Orton, although I can live with some combination of those two, Kennedy, and Hardy main eventing. The latter two at least inject some relatively fresh blood in to things, and could combine for some interesting matches; I expect HBK vs. Kennedy at some point in the near future, and Orton surviving a ladder match against Hardy could help get some more heat on him.

Which leads us to the PPV on Sunday, which I have no intention of watching. It doesn't help that I'm broke and have a cold, but even if I wasn't, I wouldn't be moved to check this one out. The Smackdown matches all sound solid to good on paper, although I imagine we'll be getting some form of non-finish in the Batista/Undertaker match, with JBL doing something to fuck things up (his main event interview segment on Friday was hilarious, by the way), if for no other reason than that I can't imagine they'd do a title change or Batista finally getting a win over 'Taker at this show. Edge is supposed to be back next month, so they've go to keep the belt warm for him in any event.

MVP and Hardy will surely be entertaining; everything they've done outside of that stupid pizza eating contest at No Mercy has been, and I'm kind of hoping that MMA match wins, just to see what a worked WWE version would look like. That said, it won't be for the title, so I ain't paying to see it.

Finlay vs. Mysterio could be awesome, too, which their match at No Mercy was until they did the lame "heel fakes injury, and we treat it seriously until he pops up and attacks the face" bullshit that makes you question legitimate injuries like Candice's on Monday. The stipulations eleminate the possibility of that kind of lame ending; at six matches, the card is not so overbooked that they won't have time to put on something cool. This was the one matchup I was excited for at No Mercy; okay, fine, this one I would be up for if not for the lack of money and the being sick.

The Raw and ECW offerings are a mix of things that provoke apathy in me, though. The choices for Punk's challenger remind me of Richard Pryor's classic Brewster's Millions, and the campaign slogan his character had when he ran for office (which one, I can't remember, and damned if I'll look it up; it's almost three and I'm sick, cut me some fucking slack, theoretical demanding audience); "None of the above!" Would it have killed them to mix Burke, Thorn, or Dreamer in here instead of King Moobs or the other two guys that I can't even be bothered to make derisive nicknames for? Hopefully Punk retains, although they do like to have at least one title change at these things, to make the "interactive" element count, and Punk's the most likely suspect. I'd vote for the Miz just because I'm 99% sure they wouldn't put the title on him. We know they have some inexplicable hard on for Morrison, and given Vis's push and Kane coming to ECW, I wouldn't be shocked to see him getting the belt, either.

All this brings us to the main event, Orton's first with any real build. I'm pretty sure Shawn will carry the vote, although I wouldn't be shocked to see Hardy sneak in there, given his popularity. The only time Kennedy ever gets face heat is when he's not on screen, so that says it all for him. Orton against either face will be solid, and Orton vs. Shawn would the best match up, because it has an actual storyline and Shawn is fucking Shawn. That said, I remain extremely underwhelmed by Randy Orton, as I have been for three years; Foley nearly killing him elevated him to the main eventer status he has by default today, but it's also the zenith of his career thus far; everything else, including going over Benoit for the World Title, has been downhill. So, yeah, I'm not that enthused by him or this title reign he will surely have until Wrestlemania unless he pees on some nuns (and it's Orton, so even odds), which colors the whole card, since he'll probably be main eventing every show from now until HHH wants the title back. All of which is my way of saying I miss John Cena. That sound was you hearing any credibility I might have had in the Smart Mark community imploding. Might as well call it a day (or late night) after that.

Wrestling in Pop Culture

Stuff I missed when I wasn't blogging, Part 1: Can You Dig That (Release), Sucka!

King Booker and Sharmell get their release- This isn't much of a surprise, given that the dirt sheets were saying this back when he was first suspended. While it's a shame that he won't be playing the incredibly entertaining King Booker character anymore, he was apparently unsatisfied with his direction in the company, and had been making noise about retiring for a long time, so it may very well be for the best. Also, and it pains me to say this since I was a huge fan of the guy for years, he was really starting to succumb to the law of diminished returns in the ring. I'm sure he's got a spot in TNA if he wants it, but it doesn't sound like he really needs it. He's got an indie promotion and other business interests in Houston, he's in good health, and, according to that second link, has saved his money well, so really, it sounds like he's in a great position to retire. I'll remember him best for his work in WCW and his hilarious partnership with Goldust, but he also deserves credit for being on the few WCW mainstays to really catch on and create a niche for himself after Vince bought them out; Rey Mysterio's the only guy from that group that's done better for himself, but it must be said that it's pretty much been nothing but up for Rey Rey, where as Booker had to work his way back to the main event after he was pretty much buried upon coming to the WWE.

Champion vs. Champion (if the match were held two years later)!

Yes, it's ROH's lynchpin vs. WWE's; the best wrestler in the world vs. the most profitable; a really tan guy vs. a really pale guy; the American Dragon vs. the Doctor of Thuganomics; the-- you can already see it's Danielson vs. Cena, right?

This is from early 2003, as made clear due to the fact that Cena is still on Velocity, Edge is still feuding with A-Train (who have taken very divergent paths since this happened), and the Cat is still employed and doing commentary. I can't believe he was so bad here when I liked him so much in WCW. Of course, it's hard to believe I was watching WCW at a point when he was one of its biggest stars.

Cena's sporting some canary yellow pants, instead of his trademark jean shorts. Or anything else that doesn't make me naseous. He also has music that predates his original rap entrance, the one he used before "My Time is Now." That was actually a better song, but lacked the cool horns. Or being on an entire album of Cena rap songs. Danielson is basically a generic jobber in white trunks. I assume he didn't get an entrance because, you know, he was a generic jobber.

They do some stuff with the arm and that goes on a bit. Apparently Cena had called out Brock Lesnar by this point. Man, I bet they wish they could do that match today. Also apparently, Danielson had been on Smackdown at this point. Cena charges after the arm work and gets drop toe held (toe holded?), and we go back to the arm. Top wristlock, called by Josh Matthews. No ownder he never caught on. Still on the damn arm, then a knuckle lock, and they work on that on the mat, and Danielson impresses the Cat with his strength. Danielson monkey flips out of that, but Cena counters with a nasty clothesline, with Danielson adding a flip to make it look really impressive, in the style of his trainer Shawn Michaels. Kick, forearm, and hard Irish Whip in short order, and then he adds a back elbow. It gets two. Bearhug, because that's what you need in a four minute match, but Danielson gets out, goes to a standing switch, and hits an enizguri to the shoulder, and then some European Uppercuts and a running knee to the gut. The commentators are plugging Rock/Hogan 2, which wound up unleashing Sylvan Grenier on an unsuspecting world. Kick to the back gets a near fall. Well, near-ish. Whip to the corner, but Cena gets the boot up on a blind charge and hits the spin out powerbomb to pick up the win, proving once and for all that he's better Danielson.

Might as well review Danielson vs. fellow future ROH Champ Jamie Noble, too, since it's right here. Or Jaime, as he's indentified here. I'll just give you the link instead of imbedding this one. Jamie makes out with Nidia to start. It's kind of sad that her career went downhill after she left this role. The Cat is going to bet all his money on Big Show in the Royal Rumble. I hope Bischoff let him sleep on his couch after that. Noble is apparently wearing Cena's jean shorts, while Danielson is sporting slightly longer hair with his generic trunks. I have no idea why I'm describing how they look when you can watch the matches. Or why I'm doing the post at all in that light.

Collar and elbow tie up to start. Noble grabs the arm off a standing switch and takes him to the mat with a headscissors. Danielson reverses out of that to a bow and arrow kinda thing for two. Knuckle lock, but Noble goes to the arm. Danielson rolls around, but Noble stays in control. Danielson uses a judo throw to get out of that. Given the commentary istalking about the Rumble (and Al Wilson's wake), this took place before the Cena match. Headlock on the mat and then they stand up. They trade collar and elbow tie ups and then Noble slams him. Knuckle lock gets one count. Noble with a Northern Lights suplex. Still in the knucklelock and Danielson uses some headbutts. Stiff running kick to the back gets two. Chops and a pair of stiff kicks for Danielson, but Noble blocks a third and comes back with some forearms and drop toe hold in to the bottom rope. Clubbering leads to a backdrop suplex gets two. Chokeout on the middle rope and Noble follows with the rope straddle Big Bossman used to use, God rest his soul. Nidea adds a kick, and that gets two. Straightjacket sleeper is your resthold, and it's a cool as far as restholds go. Lots of Benoit talk, as this was the night before he had a 5 star classic with Kurt Angle. Sunset flip by Danielson leads to some pinning combos and near falls. The video needs tracking as Noble hits a running knee on a charging Danielson. Headlock slows things down. They get to their feat, and Danielson gets a European Uppercut and Benoit-esque elbow thing to come down. Whip and charging elbow in the corner, but Danielson runs in to a powerslam for two. Cool running flip off the turnbuckle to counter a whip by Danielson, which puts him behind Noble. They fight over the switch a bit, but Danielson wins with a roaring elbow (called by Matthews!) and he gets a german with a bridge for two, which no one seems to do anymore. Danielson flips over in the middle of the count, which is weird. Maybe he was trying to do the roll up variation I've only seen in video games. Danielson goes for a Trish-esque high kick (hey, she's my base of reference here) but misses, but he's able to throw Noble off a tiger bomb attempt anyway. Roaring elbow attempt ducked and Noble gets a swinging neckbreaker for the pin. Okay. Never fear, Danielson would get the win back a few years later, and win a belt in the process. I'll be covering more youtube matches in the future, if for no other reason than that it's the only way I can watch indie stuff. And apparently there's a Danielson/X-Pac match out there. That should be worth watching, in all its bootleg glory.

None of the Above!

You can now vote for the challenger in the ECW Title match at Cyber Sunday. Your choices? Big Vis, John Morrison, and the Miz. Truly, those are three people. I really think that Vis and Miz in the running just to make Morrison look better by comparison. Not to say it isn't working, but still. I was impressed by that top rope inverted suplex he pulled off against Punk (even if Kennedy did it not too long ago, and they both surely stole it from a Japanese/Indie guy) last night, but I'm sick of seeing them work together after so many months of them feuding exclusively; I made my thoughts clear on Vis recently; and the Miz had to work very hard (and be moved to ECW) to go from being fastforward on sight material to being watchable, and a lot of that has to do with the fact that he's attached at the hip to Extreme Expose and involved in a surprisingly solid storyline with Ball Mahoney. In a better world, none of these guys would be up for a title shot, and we might instead be choosing from RVD, Kurt Angle, and Monty Brown (or hell, Elijah Burke would at least be in the mix). Sadly, we do not live in that world. That's a downer note to go out on, but hey, ECW just puts me in that mood right now. Which makes me feel really dumb for thinking it was a good show for a few weeks. Maybe the watchability factor is entirely contingent on the amount of Stevie Richards appearences?

I Watched No Mercy in a Sports Bar, or: Three World Title Changes! Batista Channels Spider-Man! But No Jericho, So Fuck 'Em.

I have a lot of thoughts and musings on a show that may or may not deserve them, the first being that the place was still standing room only by the time I got there (half an hour before the show), despite the fact that Cena wasn't on the show, which surprised the hell out of me. Whenever I watch a Pay Per View, I go to the local Buffalo Wild Wings, and I usually will not find a table if I get there later than an hour before the show, so it wasn't a total surprise, but I did expect a slightly smaller crowd with Cena on the shelf. We'll see if the crowds dissipate more once it's really sunk in that he really be out for awhile and it's not a work. Given the popularity of Rey Mysterio down here (I live in South Texas or, more accurately, Northern Mexico), maybe Cena's not the biggest draw for my area. There were certainly a lot of Rey shirts in the audience, and even a couple masks (making me sort of wish I'd worn one of mine). Anyway, here's my stream of consciousness review of what I remember of the show, which is going to be even less thorough than my usual reviews, because I was unable to pause the show when I was preoccupied (or, in other words, on the toilet; why do I keep eating those damn wings?). Opening segment- I was playing a Golden Tee machine in the somewhat meager arcade, so I have two observations: one, I would sure be annoyed if I paid $40 to open the show with Vince talking; two, I really suck at Golden Tee. I was like Jean Van de Velde on a few holes. Anyway, as annoying as it was to get a Raw opening segment on a PPV, I can see the need for it, especially given what was to come. It's also mildly annoying to see they're keeping the spinner belt (although it was hilarious to see traditional wrestling nerd HHH wearing it later on), but I imagine that it's probably a bigger merchandise item for them, and if nothing else, Orton could probably destroy it tonight for some decent heat and a way to signify that Cena's run is over and he's the top dog now. I was always kind of hoping HHH would break it with a sledgehammer, but that seems more like a heel thing to do. One big observation I have to acknowledge how over HHH is as a face. I'm not particularly fond of him in this role, even if he's funnier now than I found him during the DX Reunion last year; the only thing that kept me from hating their comedy segments was Shawn playing the straight man, and all the bits where they had to write around his being a Born Again Christian. But the crowd was definitely in to him, reacting well to his verbal sparring with Vince and popping pretty huge for his title win. They did a pretty good job putting some sympathy heat on him; as tedious as "the rebellious baby face vs. evil owner" storyline is, especially did it last year, it's probably the only way they can build to a title chase for him.

The opening title match was solid; about what you'd expect in an impromptu match between Young Randal and his future boss. If nothing else, it was a nice change of pace to see a WWE title match in the opening slot; it helped throw everyone off a bit, which they really ought to try and do more of; that kind of thing is what made the Monday Night Wars era wrestling so exciting; there was a sense of the unpredictable. Having HHH win was also a nice surprise; I kept expecting an Umaga or Vince run in.
The six man tag was nice filler, and as a big mark for them, it's always nice to see London and Kendrick get on PPV. That was tempered a little by the fact that they basically said that Shelton's been shuffled back down the card again, but you had to expect that. Hopefully we can still get a ladder match between he and Hardy someday. Kennedy taking his spot makes a decent amount of sense. As much as I enjoy watching Shelton, Kennedy's much more over, and at this point, he probably ought to be feuding over the IC title; while his botched main event pushes were missed chances to make a new star, given the fact that he's still only serviceable in the ring and hasn't even logged a full year on the road yet, it's probably for the best that he hone his craft in the midcard for a while. Besides, he and Hardy had a shockingly good match on Raw a few months back, before they started trading suspensions, so I wouldn't mind seeing more of that.

CM Punk vs. Viscera was bullshit. Not much else I can say. Absolute crap. I mean, by all means, let's keep Vis strong. It's not like he's been proven to be a total bomb in a main event push before or anything. It makes total sense for him to beat the crap out of Punk, because he needs the rub. He's surely the future of the business. I mean, for fuck's sake! Couldn't they have at least thrown Punk a bone and let him win with a role up or something? In his hometown? Or let the match go on a little longer before Viscera squashed him? Seriously, if this is a ploy to make everybody want John Morrison (as an aside, spell check suggested replacing Morrison with moron; no lie) back and accept him as a main eventer, then it's working. Maybe it's leading Punk's first big win that doesn't involve a steroid suspension, but given the fact that they're dead set on making the former jobber in silk pajamas look like an unstoppable monster, forgive me if I am not looking forward to the road that leads us there. I don't want to come across like an overly precious ROH fan who freaks out every time one of their heroes jobs, but seriously; Punk is one of the best performers they have and may be the best of his generation. Viscera has grotesquely large moobs and used to wear what resembled a garbage bag. I guess I can kind of see how, due to how lame he's been over the years, he needs this monster push to be considered a serious threat to the title; I just wonder why Viscera has to be considered a serious threat to the title. I mean, and I can't believe we're at this point, but what about Kevin Thorne? At least he'd be a different flavor of failed monster heel, in that he might actually get over and be effective for years to come. But no, by all means, let's build an entire show around the fat black guy.

And then there was the MVP/Hardy segment; I've liked this feud and all, but when the pay off to a segment is undigested pizza ... well, at least we got to see Maria. And it did fill up the requisite amount of time. It would have been nice to see, you know, a match, on this wrestling show, especially since they had all week to plan for Cena's absence, and the card was pretty thin anyway, but I guess it was vitally important that they not spoil that MVP 2.0/Kanertaker match on free TV on the show people paid money for. That sort of reminds me of WCW promoting their house shows over the Clash of the Champions when Mick Foley worked there.

I've been interrupted roughly 17 times in the process of writing this, so I'll just jump around at this point:I was in the bathroom for the first quarter of Khali/Dave, in the middle of an epic bowel movement. Normally, that would seem a great segue, but this wasn't as bad as I expected. Maybe it was diminished expectations (I think I went in to a coma during their Summer Slam match, so this had to be better), maybe I wasn't paying enough attention, but I thought this was solid; even if it did turn in to a climbing contest, which amuses me, because I remember Mike Tenay giving WWE unending shit during that XXX/AMW match of the year about how all of their cage matches were, and that's exactly what this was. The lack of rope swinging was also a bit of a downer, since that was the only joke I could make about the original. Dave's leap was still pretty cool, even if it ranked pretty low on the Shelton Benjamin scale of impressive jumping. Of course, Dave has a big gold belt and is one of the top stars in the company, and all Shelton has is lame gold hair and just lost his spot to a guy who is only proficient at saying his name, so I guess we know who's coming out ahead on that one. Hopefully they finally have the Khali main event stuff out of their system, although he's probably going to be involved in the Cyber Sunday title match in some capacity.

Rey/Finlay was as good as I expected, as they jelled really well and Rey looked great out there, hitting his spots crisply. However, I have to go on the record right now that I despise the ending they use here. If I never see another match where a heel fakes an injury, everyone acts like its real (complete with somber commentary), only for the heel to pop up again, it will be too soon. That dragged down what was an otherwise entertaining match. This one really had no excuse to go this way; couldn't they have given Finlay heat by, you know, letting him win the match through elicit means? He has a big wooden plot device for that, for God's sake!

Umaga/HHH was another solid, unspectacular match. Given what happened on Raw and the fact that HHH's not among the choices in the Cyber Sunday main event announced on WWE.com today, I imagine we'll see more of this pairing. It also creates an interesting bit of Taboo Tuesday/Cyber Sunday trivia around Shawn Michaels, since he's been in the title match every time he's been in the running, and I doubt his streak will be broken this year. Although if anyone could galvanize the voting, it's Jeff Hardy and his messianic sway over prepubescent girls of all ages; they need someone to get behind now that Cena's on the shelf, and he's just the androgynous daredevil to do it. But anyway, HHH and Umaga should have a lot of time to put on something special in the next few months (provided they don't ship Umaga over to Smackdown to be Undertaker's bitch like they were planning), and this was perfectly good in its own right, even if it was an angle advancement match on a PPV.

Candice vs. Beth Phoenix, or the match only I cared about; it was solid, again, and played to the same forumla Trish and Jazz used years ago. That said, as much as I like Candice, she still has a long way to go before she can actually compare to Trish; those kicks she was throwing were not terribly sharp, and while she's certainly enthusiastic and has improved immensely from where she was. Hopefully she'll be able to further improve from here, but unlike Trish, she doesn't have a great roster of female talent (of Finlay) to help hone her skills. The same thing can be said for Phoenix; she's not as polished as Jazz or Victoria were when they played similar roles, although she can probably be a solid champion doing this whole powerhouse routine for a while, given that most of the rest of the Divas are still just really enthusiastic underwear models. It will be interesting to see how the apparently imminent debut of Natty Neidhart will shake things up. Well, for the five of us who give a crap about the Divas, that is.

The main event wound up being pretty compelling stuff, I thought. The Last Man Standing gimmick played in to that a lot, as did HHH's two previous matches, but I thought they did a good job with the false finishes; the match could have credibly ended 3 or 4 times. While people usually equate an out of nowhere finisher as a baby face thing (since DDP built up the Diamond Cutter that way), but I think Orton could get a lot of heel heat by being on the brink of defeat but hitting a fluke RKO out of nowhere and crawling away with the belt, which is pretty much what he did here.

I thought this was a solid show. Which is really a nice way of saying mediocre. Other than Wrestlemania, that's pretty much all I expect (or ever get) out of a WWE PPV these days. That said, I liked the fact that they made the title situation in to a self contained storyline that ran through the whole PPV. While I (and the crowd, given the Y2J chants during that first segment) would have preferred to have seen Jericho at some point, I can live with the fact that they're trying to make HHH in to a sympathetic babyface, since he's most likely going to fill that role for a long time. Iain Burnside came up with a nice way of doing the same thing WWE did in a slightly more exciting fashion, but I wasn't displeased with what they did. As much as I can understand his reasoning for moving Shawn's return up a night, I like the fact that, for once, a big comeback was a genuine surprise (if I believed that the second hand Meltzer/Alvarez rumors had much bearing on the audience, I'd almost think this story was a plant to throw people off. But I don't). While they didn't really do anything to shake up the status quo or make a new star, I'm fine with the direction they're taking on Raw right now. Of course, we'll see how I feel once we've had a month of HHH, underdog babyface against evil authority figure Vince McMahon and his hand picked champion Randy Orton; with a storyline that fresh, surely I will remain happy with the product! But hey, Shawn's back, and he's even sporting something that looks like it's from the Stalker's wardrobe, so we can at least expect some better than average matches from him. And maybe he'll start integrating some hunting in to the equation.

I'd recap Raw and ECW, but really, all you need to know is that Shawn Michaels came back and kicked Randy Orton in the face. Sure, that excludes all of ECW, but trust me, that is all you need to know.

Spoilers of Honor!

No, seriously, spoilers.

So, according to a phone call from Inside Pulse's head ROH cheerleader Aaron Glazer (reported by someone going by the handle of Supersonic; surely a reliable source), there was a big title change at the Pay Per View taping tonight. It was in a world title match. In which Nigel McGuinness beat Takeshi Morishima. I told you there would be spoilers.

So, they beat WWE to the punch on the new champion/big title change thing (not that I'm trying to imply that that was their motivation; seriously) even if the show won't air for awhile. Unlike WWE, ROH has yet to post the results on their website, but I guess they don't want to have a giant flashing banner spoiling the results of their next PPV. WWE, on the other hand, is perfectly okay spoiling title changes for their taped Smackdown episodes. On ECW, no less.

Anyway, this result must come as a big suprise of the people who posted on this thread, which is pretty amusing. To me, at least. I'm kind of a dick, though. I don't even watch ROH (although I did take the step of trying to win some DVDs from their Ebay store, so I'm at least making some sort of effort); I just felt like spoiling something. From what I gather, Nigel's a very good wrestler with a fondness of clotheslines (or lariats, if you will), and he's got a running feud going with Danielson, so they're probably good with a long reign out of him. Or, conversely, he could turn out to be a transitional champion like Homicide was. Time (and a growing number of writers at Inside Pulse) will tell.

There's one thing beyond that to be taken from the report (other than that Austin Aries may be insane); Glazer didn't sound impressed with the show (in that he called it bad; subtle things like that), which isn't a good sign, given they haven't been doing PPV that long, so they can't really afford missfires, even at $10-15 a pop. However, a non-ROHbot audience may not hold them to as high a standard as Glazer does, so the reaction from the uninitiated should be interesting. They seem to have won over a lot of people with their first two shows, which I would totally have bought if DirecTV offered them.

Will I have any Mercy for this Pay Per View?

You get a lot of milage out of this show's name, apparently. I plan on watching this one, mostly to see how they resolve the title situation, which as you can tell I've probably put more thought in to than the actual people booking the show. Keeping that in mind, I'll go over the whole thing here, and maybe talk myself out of going the "dinner and a show" route I take at the local beer and wings place, which lets me watch these things legally without paying full price for them, and just read the results on the 'net and snark about them, which I did last month.

WWE Championship Match- ? vs. ___, in a match TBD

At the very least, I can hope that it's somewhere between the dream match I could cobble together from their current roster (Jericho vs. Mysterio, maybe?) and the worst thing I can think of (Khali vs. Big Daddy V to become the Undisputed Champion). HHH vs. Orton's the most logical choice, but you know how often actual logic enters in to these things, especially when there's the possibility for a swerve! Nothing like surprising the paying customer! Anything from a Battle Royal (although that's more of a Smackdown! thing) to a Ladder Match wouldn't surprise me, especially with Jeff Hardy not doing anything, and the general idea of "you want the vacant title; go and get it!" appealing to me..

I've already taken up a lot of space with the speculation about this match. What about the rest of the card? Well, it's... a WWE pay per view midcard in the latter part of this decade, so it's a mixed bag of medicority, mind numbing crap, potential, and potentially mind numbingly mediocre crap. Let's look at it anyway.

World (Midcard) Heavyweight Championship Match- Batista vs. the Great Khali in a Punjabi Prison Match (or, less impressively, Big Fucking Bamboo Cage Match)- Hopefully Dave will dispatch of everyone's favorite cast member from Adam Sandler's football movie remake in his gimmick match he didn't actually wrestle in the only time it's ever been on a card before, and he can move on to jobbing the belt to Edge or the Undertaker and setting everything right with the world again. We can always hope that rope swinging will be involved in this one, much like the original, although I'm not sure if I want to see Batista's swashbuckler impression. It would be nice if all of the gimmickry involved won't lead to 15 minutes of the usual Khali nerveholds and clubbering just in a bamboo cage, but I am not that optimistic. This could be the most elaborately staged bathroom break match ever, but given that Dave is a student of the game, I have a feeling he will bust his ass to make it go down otherwise. Not that I probably won't treat it as such anyway; I'll just feel bad for poor Batista that he has to be in it.

ECW (curtain jerker) Championship Match: CM Punk vs. Big Daddy V w/Matt Striker and his abnormaly poofy hair- Oh, fuck off.

All right, that's not entirely fair. There's potential here for a cool "slaying the giant" moment here, especially if Punk brings back the Anaconda Vice, his old finishing move. Hell, even a roll up would be something, given how they've booked Vis since he took his shirt off to the disgust of-- everyone. I'd even take a Boogeyman run in; after all, I can fast forward through their matches if they start fighting on ECW again, and it would keep Vis out of the title hunt.

But really, this is where we are; it is 2007, and Viscera, a guy who bombed as a main event heel 12 years ago, is getting a title shot against one of the most talented wrestlers of his generation, in his home town, and there's a concievable chance he will win. Which gives me one overwhelming thought; come back, John Morrison! All is forgiven! I can only imagine how people who got into Punk in ROH must feel, when they aren't watching five star matches and writing down details about every thing the promotion does (or has ever done) on any website that will have them. They must really be pissed. Or not care at all. Who knows?

HHH vs. Umaga- Well, they sort of built this feud Monday, and sort of gave Umaga his heat back in the process, and it will probably be sort of good (if it even happens), but I sort of don't care at this point. I can't see HHH not going over here.

Rey Mysterio vs. Finlay- I'm really excited by this match, despite the fact that a high flying luchador and a rough and tumble mat wrestler do not seem like the best pairing in the world. I am a huge Mysterio fan, and while I'm not quite as enamored with Finaly's ground and pound style as some 'net pundits, I do enjoy his work quite a bit when there's a little movement in there between his pounding on a body part. Hopefully these two have the same kind of chemistry Mysterio achieved with guys who work a style somewhat similar to Finlay's, like Kurt Angle and that diminuitive Canadian guy that did that awful thing which makes it easy to go along with the WWE's attempt to pretend he never existed.

Anyway, veiled Benoit references aside, I'm hoping these two get the time to really steal the show. Rey should win here, but Finaly picking up the duke wouldn't shock or disturb me either, especially if everyone's favorite investment banker/color commentating god gets involved.

Women's Championship Match: Candice Michelle vs. Beth Phoenix- Just in case anyone doubted how shallow I am, I want to say how impressed I was with the way Beth Phoenix looked on Monday. While I still won't objectify her like her opponent, she was definitely looking more attractive. Which is the only way I judge the Divas.

Can you blame me, since Trish and Lita moved on, and Molly, Jazz, and Gail Kim were fired in favor of a legion of women with no discernible talent who happened to look good in a bikini via the Diva Search. Keep in mind that Maria didn't develop her endearing character until she'd been struggling to speak as a backstage interviewer for a few months, and it's taken Candice until recently to move beyond being the sexpot who can move in a circle and take off her clothes. So really, I'm just going with the flow here.

That said, again, I like women's wrestling, for a combination of libidinous and less creepy, actual wrestling related, reasons, and so I expect this to be at least watchable. They probably have to put the belt on Phoenix at some point, at least if they want to keep building her up as some kind of hard nosed powerhouse, which is at least something different in the current Women's Division, but I can see Candice holding on to the belt again here through some kind of fluke pin or maybe a DQ. The next PPV is Cyber Sunday, where they traditionally have some kind of gimmick match involving everyone with breasts on the roster in some kind of battle royal where everyone dresses in skimpy outfits. I could see Beth getting the strap there. Or maybe Jim Neidhart's daughter, if she's debuted by then. Who knows? I tend to put way too much thought in to these matches, anyway, since they basically serve as filler between the big title matches.

And that's the whole announced card. Given the uncertainty around the WWE title, I can see why the wouldn't add a lot of stuff at the last minute. Hell, just giving everything her time to tell a story and build to a satisfying finish isn't a bad thing. But I would really like to see something involving the Cruiserweight Title or the Benjamin/Hardy IC Title feud become an added bonus match, which is what Tony Schiavone used to call crap they just tossed on to WCW PPVs to fill up time. Of course, the WWE are much smarter than that, and so will probably fill the space with skits involving Hornswoggle's wacky misadventures instead. And I can live with that, really. A lot hinges on who they pick to fight for the vacant belt in the main event, how the match goes, and who they're going to build Raw (and, by virtue of that, the company) around until John Cena's man boob heals. Maybe he can teach everyone how to "saviourself"? He might be a real Ayatollah, you know? The type who tames lions. Of course, I'm refering to the Iron Sheik. Because, really, couldn't Randy Orton use a humbling?

No Mercy for a really boring Smackdown!

This episode almost put me to sleep. Well, that's not entirely true; I was already dog tired, and this episode just kind of compounded it. We did get a longer than usual cruiserweight match between Yang and Noble, which was cool, even if it did evoke the kind of crowd apathy that makes me think that retiring the title might not be a bad idea after all; at least until they need something for Teddy Hart to wear, that is. Provided the New Hart Foundation shows up on Smackdown and Teddy doesn't get fired immediately. Both things are possible.

There was also a Deuce and Domino/MVP 2.0 tag title match that was-- long. Not very good, but it certainly filled up time! I dunno, maybe it was me, but making MVP the face in peril seemed like a dumb idea, and I was half asleep through most of the show. That match with Kanertaker next week should be fun, and even if the Greasers run in, hopefully they'll get splattered by the old, tall guys with supernatural powers. That would amuse me to no end.

The Mysterio/Khali match was not as bad as I thought it would be, though, so thank goodness for small miracles. Although the modern miracle that is Tivo helped alot there as well, as I sped through all the nerve holdery that Punjabi's favorite son is so proficient in. But any match where Rey does the ringpost 619 is okay in my book. As long as I don't have to sit through the dull parts, that is. I really feel like I could clip matches for the WWE at this point, though, having been fastforwarding through all their shows for the last 2 years to get to the good bits.

Some weeks have more of those than others, but this wasn't one of those weeks, and the future; not looking so bright these days. I mean, Chuck Palumbo vs. Chris Masters is an actual feud they're building up? That people are supposed to watch? I like Palumbo all right; he's always been a solid big man, and although his current gimmick seems to be overcompenasting a bit for his years as Billy Gunn's gay lover, I don't mind him getting a big push and a blonde to ride around on his motorcycle. And isn't it nice that the woman who had like 2 months of promos about how much she enjoyed living has found love with the man who had 2 months of promos about how much he enjoys motorcycles? I'm getting kind of choked up just thinking about it.

However, given all the steroid problems, don't you think they ought to just cut their losses and move on with Masters? Now that someone's broken his deadly full nelson (try to type that with a straight face; I dare you), he's pretty much outlived his usefulness. He had an okay match with Kane awhile back, but I can count on one hand the number of times I've ever sat through anything he's been in, and aesthetically, he looks like just another guy now that he's had to cut back on the juice, so the whole Masterpiece thing doesn't really wash anymore, either. Something tells me Vince or Dusty has a chubby for the guy, but still; they've given up on guys who had "the look" of a future star a lot quicker than they have with him, and when it was someone like Matt Morgan or Brent Albright, it was also a guy who was already more polished in the ring than Masters is. But then again, I just devoted two paragraphs to his new feud, so I guess the joke's on me.

This week also saw the debut of the new, Of Mouse and Men inspired tag team of Jesse and Festus. The smaller one seemed to actually be pretty good in the ring, and they have a cute dynamic, but I will eat a hat (as long as it's made of steak or gummy worms) if they don't wind up exactly like every other wacky tag team to debut in the last few years; not over and jobbing within a year. Although Crime Time seemed to finally be turning the corner before they committed career suicide at a house show, so who knows? I am kind of hoping that these guys, the Greasers, and the Highlanders are all in some kind of match in the near future, just because I think we really need something that combines elements of Deliverance, Highlander, and Grease. It could save the business! From what, I don't know; I just work here. For nothing.

So, anyway, there's a PPV on, one I am actually planning on watching live, so I'll do a preview of that. Right about now, actually. But in another post. So this last paragraph won't actually transition in to that, because that post will be over this one. Aw, the hell with it.

WWE Title Update with Possible Spoilers!

According to Brian Alvarez (well, according to him according to Inside Pulse's Matthew Michaels), Vince wants to build up Randy Orton as the top heel, which makes sense. It helps that everyone he wrestles keeps going on the shelf, either because of freak injuries, nagging injuries, being semi-retired, wanting some down time, or a combination of all of the above. As much as I'm still underwhelmed by the guy, I really do think they ought to let him run with the belt until Wrestlemania, just to see if he can handle a full blown title run.

That said, between his history of having sure thing title runs snatched away from him at the last minute and the fact that they may want to put someone new and/or suprising over given the fact that they have an open spot (see Khali, the Great on Smackdown recently) and not many appealing options, young Randal and his punt of doom may be denied yet again. Alvarez speculates that we could see Ken Kennedy finally get his big push out of being able to take some credit for injuring Cena. I'd be more willing to believe that if he had not both jobbed like the biggest jobber to ever job in said match and if he weren't coming off of suspension. Surely, they don't want to set an example that there are no consequences for serving a suspension after you come back. Although the alternative may be putting the belt on a guy who smokes joints backstage and shits in gym bags, so they're in a bit of a bind there.

I'm leaving HHH out of this round of speculation because I get the feeling that, with Cena now out for upwards of a year, and Shawn Michaels apparently ready to hang up his boots for good, I imagine they would want to build up to Wrestlemania for his big title win. Bobby Lashley's status in the company probably has a lot to do with things, but it certainly seems smarter to make HHH chase whichever cocky young heel with questionable mat skills they put the belt on for awhile, if for no other reason that HHH with the belt is basically just asking for a heel turn, and they really can't afford for the crowd to turn on him at this point. Of course, if someone like Rey Mysterio or Ric Flair jumps to Raw to take the title (Rey's probably the most over face and merch mover they have next to Cena, and this would be a great not for Flair to go out on; one last title reign and a chance to put someone like Orton or Kennedy over on the way out), all of this will be moot. I also would not leave out Hornswoggle winning the belt either. Who the hell knows what they're thinking in Titan Towers at this point, other than "A torn pec muscle? Seriously?" At least Austin and HHH's big injuries set up years worth of drama in their matches. How are they going to book around Cena's; make the purple nurple or tittie twister constant threats in his matches. Of course, that would actually improve Khali's move set, now that I think of it.

The one idea that no one's floated, because it will probably not happen at anything but Wrestlemania, is Batista winning the WWE Title and becoming the Undispute World Champion. Yeah, I'm slighting the ECW Title here, but when Viscera is considered a main event threat, not even CM Fucking Punk can rescue a belt from being just another title. It would be an interesting turn of events and generate some excitement (setting up a dream match between the annointed ones of Raw and Smackdown that's you could trace back to 'Mania 21), but it seems like the wrong thing to do to waste it on No Mercy. So, even money on that one, I'd say. That the speculation over who's getting the belt is more interesting than anything actual matches for it since what may have been Shawn's last hurrah in the main event continues to be sort of depressing, but at least it gives me more material to talk about than Candice's boobs. Which are usually enough, mind you, but a change of pace is never a bad thing. You get the feeling that whatever we do get will probably not live up to whatever ideal match anyone has in their head, but that's only because suprises in wrestling always suck. Scott Keith said it once; it must be true.

TNA's 2 Hour Debut: A New Beginning Or Two Hours of the Same Old Crap?

I'd say the former, with some caveats.

First of all, I'm just tired of wrestling bookers taking perfectly good feuds and trying to make them "personal." TNA does this a lot (Angle's plot to mess with Sting's head is very similar to what Jeff Jarrett did last year, except without Alex Shelley and his handi cam, making it less cool, somehow; there was also the stupid crap that unleashed Karen Angle on an unsuspecting world that used to think Stephanie McMahon was the most annoying woman in the history of the business, because a match over every damn title in the company as well as a Japanese one wasn't enough to build a feud on), but they aren't alone; the worst example I can think of is when WWE took a perfectly good, if redundant after a few months, Rey Mysterio/Eddie Guerrero storyline and series of matches (Eddie couldn't beat Rey no matter what he did, which drove him nuts) and threw in the stupid melodrama of Eddie being the real father of Rey's son. It set up a good ladder match to blow off the feud, but really, was it necessary? It's even more depressing that it was part of the last extended feud of Eddie's life, but I digress. I was impressed with Angle's whole "I'll leave this to your imagination" bit at the end, but, you know, isn't a match for the title enough? At least we have had to mostly Karen Angle-free weeks. That's something positive, at least.

Another thing that bugged me is something that can serve as metaphor for TNA's one step forward, two steps back progress in the last few years; the show opens with a typically excellent video package, putting over the importance of the show and really pumping me up for it. The first match to follow the intro? Rhyno vs. Black Reign. Now, I'm as big a fan of everyone's favorite stumpy legged, greasy haired human battering ram as you'll find, and as Aaron Glazer said in his very good column you'll find at the link, Dustin Rhodes is a great performer stuck with a stupid gimmick he doesn't seem to care for. I don't have any problem with these guys having a match. That said, these guys seem like two of the worst to put out there when you're trying to make the right first impression about your product and try to hook anyone who might be tuning in for the first time, a lapsed fan, or anyone else who isn't a regular viewer of TNA who's curious about what they'll do with 2 hours. Again, nothing against these two guys, but they're both WWE expatriates, and Rhodes case, a fairly worn out retread at that. Wouldn't something like that gauntelt match have been a smarter opener, since it gave a bunch of athletic, most likely unknown to a wider audience between the TNA faithful, guys a chance to show of what they could do for 15 minutes?

Other than those two sticking points, and the 3D/Team Pacman match I missed most of due to being on the toilet but doubt I actually missed anything at all by not watching, I was impressed with the show over all. Gail Kim vs. Jackie Moore was a good choice for a women's single match, because they're the two best female workers on the roster, and have a good chemistry after all the matches they were in this year; this match reminded me a lot of the kind of thing Trish Stratus and Victoria could put on with each other at the drop of a hat, which makes it miles ahead of anything WWE's put on since Trish and Lita hung up their boots (no matter how enamored I am with their current Women's Champion and the cute redheard who bumps around for the heels every once in awhile). Although calling Kim's finisher the Happy Ending has such tasteless connotations that I have to wonder if Paul Heyman isn't at least contributing ideas; that would somehow make it better to me, for some reason.

The gauntlet match I alluded to was also enjoyable. So much so that I wonder why they're using the Fight for the Right match at the PPV. While I happened to be one of the few people, from what I can tell, that liked the first itteration of that match, the Royal Rumble with a twist format of TNA's gauntlet is straightforward and leads to enjoyable matches. The Fight for Your Right-- amuses the hell out of me, because it's an inside out battle royal! But in the end, it's still ten guys standing around punching each other until the eliminations start. That format seems more limiting that this one, which allowed everyone to show a little of what they could do and event advanced a storyline while still holding together as an entertaining match.

The main event was formula tag stuff, but it was certainly more energetic than anything I've seen in a WWE main event in quite awhile, even if no one tore their pec or used a Leprechaun as a foreign object. But considering the talent involed, you had to expect this match to be above average. I mean, come on; Christian, Low-Ki, AJ, and Daniels vs. LAX and Joe? How could that not be a ton of fun. Speaking of which, that was an easy segue to Rikishi; he held his end of the bargain admirably, even pulling out the first Fire Thunder Driver I've seen on TV since... well, the last time he did it. Which has to have been 7 years. It would have been nice to see Jay Lethal in there, given that he's got the big match with Daniels at the PPV, but at least he got some promo time.

I do have to say that you can tell LAX have lost their street cred when Don West is openly marking out for Homicide, but then again, wouldn't you if he hit a tope con hilo from the middle rope right in front of you? Low-Ki doing the job was kind of lame, but predictable; he was probably the lowest man on the totem pole in there. I mean, Joe used him as a projectile. Which is, admitedly, the quickest route any match can take straight to my heart.

I thought this was a good show with some small but notable flaws. I forgot to mention the possibility of new interview girl feuding with old interview girl; while I'll take that over Gene Okerlund vs. Mark Madden, I watched Thunder in 2000 and saw Gene Okerlund fight Mark Madden, so I have no right to criticize anything ever. That said, it's dumb. That said, TNA has a good track record with their two hour shows and debuts; it will be interesting to see if they can maintain the momentum they've started to build up, or if the buzz will wear off like it did last year, when Russo's fast paced booking and Angle's arrival gave the show a temporary shot in the arm, only for it to coming crashing back down to Earth and not really stop until last week. I really hope so; with this talent roster and the current staidness of WWE's product, I want these guys to succeed enough to give Vince and company some competition to fire them up outside of Congress again. If they can build on this show instead of resting on their laurels or getting bogged down in crap that only Vince Russo finds interesting again, they may finally realize all their potential. Or at least make me feel like watching them isn't just a habitual thing. Hell, I'll take that.

WWE Title Match Update for people who might be inexplicably reading this blog but not watching ECW!

Much to Rob Blatt's chagrin, Vince did open ECW by addressing the Cena situation and stripping him of the title. He went on to announce a match at the pay per view. Not the competitors or the kind of match, just a match. So all of my conjecture has yet to be invalidated. I guess the mere fact that we'll have a new champion is supposed to be a selling point. Which, to be fair, is why I'm more interested in watching the show than I was, although Finlay vs. Mysterio is more of a selling point for me, oddly enough. More as it becomes available, as long as I happen to be at the computer and feel like it.

If you had a torn pec in the pool, you won!

I was going to talk about my ambivalence towards Raw a bit, but I didn't have much to say about it, other than a rare Val Venis sighting, a token lascivious comments about Maria and Candice, something about London's awesome, holy shit worthy running shooting star plancha and Ken Kennedy's auspiciously quick job to Cena, there wasn't much to say. Everything was moving just as efficiently on the pay-per-view treadmill as always.

Until this happened, that is.And so at least half the fanbase is happy, although I have to imagine the rabid Cena haters will feel a little cheated that he's just vacating the belt instead of doing a job for someone. He'll be out six months; that's the current assessment, at least. That puts his return in April, which would likely rule out a Wrestlemania match, the first time that's happened since his rookie year, when all he did was rap at a cardboard cut out of Jay Z. He's been in title matches ever since.

The WWE can't be happy with this; the guy's been a workhorse, he sells merch (although will likely not change; it's not like people stopped buying Stone Cold stuff when he was out for an extended period of time), and they've been booking their flagship show around him for two years now. It also pushes HHH in to the number 1 face slot by default, and if you remember the last time he was the top face on a show, you can see how that poses a problem. This does open the door for someone like Lashley or Hardy to step up, but neither one is that much of an appealing replacement, at least to me; of course, I happened to not entirely hate Cena, and respect his work ethic and the fact that he could have solid matches with anyone. I wouldn't call myself a fan, but I at least sort of liked the guy. That said, after a cumulative 2+years with the guy on top, it is nice to get a considerable breather, even if that's likely to come in the form of the Chinlock Kid or the King of Nepotism.

At any rate, Sunday's show has become more interesting than it was, and I was already planning on watching it (although they were kind of tenuous plans, and ironically enough, wanting to see the presumptive blow off between Orton and Cena was a big part of that). It's kind of sad that one of the only things that can generate interest in the rote, staid modern day WWE is freak injuries are among the few things that can generate excitement, but hey, you gotta take what you can get. Vince will be announcing their plans for the title match on ECW in about a minute. HHH vs. Orton, or something involving them at the very least, seems very likely. Other than Jeff Hardy, who doesn't have any plans on Sunday, come to think of it, there aren't any considerably over faces to throw out there, unless Lashley's ready to come back, and even then, you'd think they'd like to build up his big title shot (although they just tossed he and Cena out there on a traditionally dead PPV, so who knows?). I'm leaving Jericho out of my prognostications, because we're not entirely sure he's meant to be returning at all, much less at No Mercy, and again, I'd think they'd rather keep the build up going (like they've done with everyone else who's made a comeback) than just toss him out there for a hastily put together replacement match. I doubt they're moving anyone from Smackdown either; Mysterio and Undertaker are too integral to the show, Edge isn't due back for a month, and beyond them, there's Finlay, Kane, and a lot of undercard guys, none of whom are trun main event guys or even close to it. Everyone on ECW is a big fish in a small pond at best.Putting the belt on Orton and having HHH, Lashley, and anyone else they feel like elevating chase him 'til Wrestlemania seems like the best course of action. I've long thought they should give him a big run with the belt; not because I'm a fan of his, but because I think it's the only way they'll know if he's worth putting up with the next time he shits in a diva's gym bag, trashes a hotel room, or smokes a joint backstage, and treat him accordingly. I imagine the only reason he's received this huge push is that they don't want all the work they put in to him go to waste, but you know, they need to piss or get off the pot with him eventually, if for no other reason than that Kennedy is probably primed to take his spot as the guy they push to the brink of being a top heel but pull back on at the last minute.

Of course, knowing his history, he'll probably be all set to win the title before pissing someone off backstage and they'll have him job to Hornswoggle or something as punishment. So stay tuned, folks; even if Vince announces his presence in the main event, he may still screw it up again! That's another thing that generates excitement; we wouldn't have had Batista and Rey's title runs without it!