Will I have any Mercy for this Pay Per View?

You get a lot of milage out of this show's name, apparently. I plan on watching this one, mostly to see how they resolve the title situation, which as you can tell I've probably put more thought in to than the actual people booking the show. Keeping that in mind, I'll go over the whole thing here, and maybe talk myself out of going the "dinner and a show" route I take at the local beer and wings place, which lets me watch these things legally without paying full price for them, and just read the results on the 'net and snark about them, which I did last month.

WWE Championship Match- ? vs. ___, in a match TBD

At the very least, I can hope that it's somewhere between the dream match I could cobble together from their current roster (Jericho vs. Mysterio, maybe?) and the worst thing I can think of (Khali vs. Big Daddy V to become the Undisputed Champion). HHH vs. Orton's the most logical choice, but you know how often actual logic enters in to these things, especially when there's the possibility for a swerve! Nothing like surprising the paying customer! Anything from a Battle Royal (although that's more of a Smackdown! thing) to a Ladder Match wouldn't surprise me, especially with Jeff Hardy not doing anything, and the general idea of "you want the vacant title; go and get it!" appealing to me..

I've already taken up a lot of space with the speculation about this match. What about the rest of the card? Well, it's... a WWE pay per view midcard in the latter part of this decade, so it's a mixed bag of medicority, mind numbing crap, potential, and potentially mind numbingly mediocre crap. Let's look at it anyway.

World (Midcard) Heavyweight Championship Match- Batista vs. the Great Khali in a Punjabi Prison Match (or, less impressively, Big Fucking Bamboo Cage Match)- Hopefully Dave will dispatch of everyone's favorite cast member from Adam Sandler's football movie remake in his gimmick match he didn't actually wrestle in the only time it's ever been on a card before, and he can move on to jobbing the belt to Edge or the Undertaker and setting everything right with the world again. We can always hope that rope swinging will be involved in this one, much like the original, although I'm not sure if I want to see Batista's swashbuckler impression. It would be nice if all of the gimmickry involved won't lead to 15 minutes of the usual Khali nerveholds and clubbering just in a bamboo cage, but I am not that optimistic. This could be the most elaborately staged bathroom break match ever, but given that Dave is a student of the game, I have a feeling he will bust his ass to make it go down otherwise. Not that I probably won't treat it as such anyway; I'll just feel bad for poor Batista that he has to be in it.

ECW (curtain jerker) Championship Match: CM Punk vs. Big Daddy V w/Matt Striker and his abnormaly poofy hair- Oh, fuck off.

All right, that's not entirely fair. There's potential here for a cool "slaying the giant" moment here, especially if Punk brings back the Anaconda Vice, his old finishing move. Hell, even a roll up would be something, given how they've booked Vis since he took his shirt off to the disgust of-- everyone. I'd even take a Boogeyman run in; after all, I can fast forward through their matches if they start fighting on ECW again, and it would keep Vis out of the title hunt.

But really, this is where we are; it is 2007, and Viscera, a guy who bombed as a main event heel 12 years ago, is getting a title shot against one of the most talented wrestlers of his generation, in his home town, and there's a concievable chance he will win. Which gives me one overwhelming thought; come back, John Morrison! All is forgiven! I can only imagine how people who got into Punk in ROH must feel, when they aren't watching five star matches and writing down details about every thing the promotion does (or has ever done) on any website that will have them. They must really be pissed. Or not care at all. Who knows?

HHH vs. Umaga- Well, they sort of built this feud Monday, and sort of gave Umaga his heat back in the process, and it will probably be sort of good (if it even happens), but I sort of don't care at this point. I can't see HHH not going over here.

Rey Mysterio vs. Finlay- I'm really excited by this match, despite the fact that a high flying luchador and a rough and tumble mat wrestler do not seem like the best pairing in the world. I am a huge Mysterio fan, and while I'm not quite as enamored with Finaly's ground and pound style as some 'net pundits, I do enjoy his work quite a bit when there's a little movement in there between his pounding on a body part. Hopefully these two have the same kind of chemistry Mysterio achieved with guys who work a style somewhat similar to Finlay's, like Kurt Angle and that diminuitive Canadian guy that did that awful thing which makes it easy to go along with the WWE's attempt to pretend he never existed.

Anyway, veiled Benoit references aside, I'm hoping these two get the time to really steal the show. Rey should win here, but Finaly picking up the duke wouldn't shock or disturb me either, especially if everyone's favorite investment banker/color commentating god gets involved.

Women's Championship Match: Candice Michelle vs. Beth Phoenix- Just in case anyone doubted how shallow I am, I want to say how impressed I was with the way Beth Phoenix looked on Monday. While I still won't objectify her like her opponent, she was definitely looking more attractive. Which is the only way I judge the Divas.

Can you blame me, since Trish and Lita moved on, and Molly, Jazz, and Gail Kim were fired in favor of a legion of women with no discernible talent who happened to look good in a bikini via the Diva Search. Keep in mind that Maria didn't develop her endearing character until she'd been struggling to speak as a backstage interviewer for a few months, and it's taken Candice until recently to move beyond being the sexpot who can move in a circle and take off her clothes. So really, I'm just going with the flow here.

That said, again, I like women's wrestling, for a combination of libidinous and less creepy, actual wrestling related, reasons, and so I expect this to be at least watchable. They probably have to put the belt on Phoenix at some point, at least if they want to keep building her up as some kind of hard nosed powerhouse, which is at least something different in the current Women's Division, but I can see Candice holding on to the belt again here through some kind of fluke pin or maybe a DQ. The next PPV is Cyber Sunday, where they traditionally have some kind of gimmick match involving everyone with breasts on the roster in some kind of battle royal where everyone dresses in skimpy outfits. I could see Beth getting the strap there. Or maybe Jim Neidhart's daughter, if she's debuted by then. Who knows? I tend to put way too much thought in to these matches, anyway, since they basically serve as filler between the big title matches.

And that's the whole announced card. Given the uncertainty around the WWE title, I can see why the wouldn't add a lot of stuff at the last minute. Hell, just giving everything her time to tell a story and build to a satisfying finish isn't a bad thing. But I would really like to see something involving the Cruiserweight Title or the Benjamin/Hardy IC Title feud become an added bonus match, which is what Tony Schiavone used to call crap they just tossed on to WCW PPVs to fill up time. Of course, the WWE are much smarter than that, and so will probably fill the space with skits involving Hornswoggle's wacky misadventures instead. And I can live with that, really. A lot hinges on who they pick to fight for the vacant belt in the main event, how the match goes, and who they're going to build Raw (and, by virtue of that, the company) around until John Cena's man boob heals. Maybe he can teach everyone how to "saviourself"? He might be a real Ayatollah, you know? The type who tames lions. Of course, I'm refering to the Iron Sheik. Because, really, couldn't Randy Orton use a humbling?