Are these words from the future?

From the desk of Vince McMahon,

In order to show the serious nature of the current incarnation of the Wellness Policy, I, the Chairman of World Wrestling Entertainment, Vincent Kennedy McMahon, have drafted this statement to the media about the recent group of superstars to be suspended by the WWE.

Following the last battery of tests and subsequent suspensions, a decision was made to increase the frequency and randomness of the tests, if for no other reason than to placate the vast beauracracy in Washington. This proved to be a great step towards cleaning up the wrestling business, although a terrible miscalculation on the business side of things for WWE.

The testing was so debilitating to our roster that Paul Heyman, who was just rehired, suggested I simply list the names of all the people not suspended. After firing him again, I decided it was a sound idea, so I will do so now. The list of currently active WWE wrestlers is as follows:

Undertaker (the only abnormal thing he tested highly for was surliness, and we have yet to ban that substance; that also explains why Trevor Murdoch remains on the active roster)
John Cena (who is the only superstar exempt from testing, because he is too busy making me money)
Batista (I am as surprised as you are, I assure you)
Randy Orton (For some reason, he really wanted us to test his stool, and he gave it to us in a gym bag with the name "Melina" on it. Odd.)
HHH (who passed a special test administered by Nepotism Labs Inc.)
CM Punk (I was surprised by this one, too; I thought his "straight edge" gimmick was some kind of rib that Jim Cornette came up with before I fired him; I mean, what sober man has that many tatoos? And yet here we are)
Rey Mysterio (his muscles are literally fake; they're prosthetics)
Brian Kendrick (I have no idea who this is)
Jamie Noble (him either)
Jimmy Yang (Given his ring attire, when I first saw him backstage, I assumed he was one of my gardners who had somehow wound up at the show by accident; boy, was that awkward!)
Laila El and Brooke (they were clean, but Kelly Kelly wasn't, as I will go in to greater detail about later)
Kenny Dykstra (he looks very youthful for someone who played baseball for so many years)
Stevie Richards (Wait, he still works here?)
Cody Rhodes (The lack of the Rhodes paunch is suspicious, but his total lack of muscle tone made up for it)
Hornswoggle (We sent him to the same labs as HHH, for kayfabe reasons)

Despite the currently unemployed Mr. Heyman's advice, I do feel it behooves me to explain some of the more suprising suspensions. I do not feel that I should have to explain to anyone why Bobby Lashley and Christ Masters will be spending the next month at home, for instance.

However I do feel some of these suspensions deserve more of an explanation, and given the WWE's new policy of total transperancy (and the fact that I am highly inebriated at the time of this writing), I will offer reasons why your favorite midcarder will not be on television for the next month.

The Great Kahli- His results for curry were dangerously high.
The Major Bros.- To be honest, only one of them tested positive, but can you tell them apart?
Jeff Hardy- He's basically a walking contact high at this point.
Matt Hardy- The reason he won't die? Copious amounts of peyote.
Jim Ross- Actually, it's just time for his bi-annual demotion. Expect his triumphant return to Raw once I actually have to sit through Todd Grisham on commentary.
Jim Ross- I had no idea a man could take that much viagra and still live.
Maria- The reason why she plays such a great ditzy character? She was on Stupid Pills.
Kelly Kelly- She was the supplier of said pills. As well as a frequent user. Apparently, she was also distributing them to a lot of our creative staff, which explains things like Big Dick Johnson and John Morrison's promos more clearly.
Tommy Dreamer- His blood tests revealed EXTREME levels-- of marijuana. He insists that it's Rob Van Dam's fault, but I already used the walking contact high joke for Jeff Hardy, and I'm damn sure not repeating material so Tommy Dreamer can hobble around the ring on Tuesday nights.
Shelton Benjamin- To be honest, his tests were clean, I just couldn't believe that some form of barbituate was not involved in that dye job. So he can go hang out with his mother. His real one or the one we created for him. I don't care.
Victoria and Beth Phoenix- They're not on steroids or anything, they just do not give me an erection, which is a cardinal sin for the modern diva.
Candice Michelle- To be honest, Stephanie rigged her tests out of spite, because she hates anyone with a better boob job than her.
Torrie Wilson- Old lady Wilson has to be on something to still be around. She's been here for what, 6 years? What a prune! Why couldn't she take the hint from Stratus, Lita, and Stacey Keibler and move on to failed reality shows, bad punk music, or succesful reality shows?
Melina- She tested extremely high for being an insufferable bitch.
Kristal and Jillian Hall- So did they, but I think it was just their "time of the month," unlike Melina's persistently high levels. That said, we must remain consistent. Unless it involves someone Hunter really wants to beat on PPV.
Mick Foley- His levels of Krispy Kreme were far too high to permit him back in the ring any time soon. He wants to write another whiney book about how we should have pushed his septugenarian idol more anyway, or so I hear.
Paul London- Apparently you can hide a lot of pills in that beard.
The Highlanders- The amount of Haggis in their system was staggering. I don't know what that is, but it sounds bad, so they're out.
Daves Taylor and Finlay- We just have too many Daves, so they'll alternate time on the road with Batista.
Super Crazy- He wears a poncho to the ring, so he must be on something.
Jim Duggan- We're actually still punishing him for being found getting high with the Iron Sheik in the '80s, more because I still don't know why a super patriot like Duggan and virulent anti-American like the Sheik would hang out together.
Elijah Burke- He tested positive. For everything. Also, those beads in his hair aggravated me to no end.
Carlito- I was just really pissed off that he cut that magnificent hair. That'll teach the son of a bitch!
Big Daddy V- Apparently he got those large "moobs" from taking the same combination of female fertility drugs and bovine hormone that Barry Bonds did. I just thought he was a gluttonous pig!

I could go on, but will anyone even miss Lance Cade, Snitsky, Daivari, Kevin Thorne, Mark Henry, The Miz, Matt Stryker, Shannon Moore, or anyone else I can't be bothered to remember at this point? I thought not.

Given the extreme blow to our roster depth, I have tried to rectify the situation as best I could. After realizing that everyone in our developmental territories was, to be charitable, excruciatingly awful, I realized that drastic steps had to be taken.

To that end, I have decided to purchase the preeminent independent wrestling organization in North America, Ring of Honor, and promote their performers to our three brands immediately.

"Vince," you might say, "how could you purchase Ring of Honor when they were not for sale." I would reply first by saying "It's Mr. McMahon, damnit!" Then I would laugh at your naivette; I am a megalomaniacal billionare; under our free market economy, I can do whatever I want with no consquences! Which explains why I got away with not doing drug tests for so long.

Some of you may be worried that I will "missuse" your favorite talent from ROH. I would assure you that that is the farthest thing from my intention. These newly acquired superstars will be allowed the same chance as everyone else to rise to the top of our promotion. They will be allowed to showcase their unique individual talents on our worldwide media conglomerate platform. At least until the suspensions are over. Then it's back to Heat or the bingo hall circuit with the lot of them.

Except for Bryan Danielson, the reputed "Best Wrestler in the World". I plan on placing him in a stable with Snitsky, Kevin Thorne, and Fox News Pundit John Gibson. They will be known as the Palest Men in America, and will wreak havoc on anyone who does not live up to their milky white ideal. I am hoping to include Conan O'Brien in the angle when we do our next Saturday Night's Main Event taping. They will be a dominant heel force; right up until HHH feels like squashing them. I give 'em a month.

In closing, I would urge our wonderful, magnanimous, completely hygenic fans to continue their support of our product. We plan on continuing to give you the best in sports entertainment (which is why I decided to not buy TNA as well, despite a lot of hilarious text messages from Kurt Angle and Jeff Jarrett where they groveled in an attempt to get their jobs back). And really, what are you going to do, watch UFC instead?

I should have said that, should I?

Sincerely,

Vincent K. McMahon, God of All Sports Entertainment