ROH Videowire and random match recap

Due to the fact that I do not live where they run their shows, refuse to buy their DVDs, and DirecTV does not run their PPVs, YouTube is about the only place I can actually watch Ring of Honor, instead of simply reading about how great it is. So, in the spirit of my stream of consciousness Heat recap from all of five days ago, here's one for ROH's video wire show, in addition to a random match from their archives. I don't know everyone in the company's names, so if I don't acknowledge your favorite wrestler by his full name, his signature move, and place of birth, I'm sorry.

Still footage of... some shirtless guy (would it kill them to identify these people for ROH neophytes?), and some guy talking about the Age of the Fall's beatdown on the Briscoe Bros. and how ROH is pulling it from the PPV because it's too graphic and not representative of what they're about. This is actually kind of a cool way to build heel heat for these guys, as it gives all kinds of sinister connotations to the beatdown and makes it sound so bad that the people in charge consider it morally reprehensible, which is an interesting change of pace from the people running WWE and TNA tacitly approving of Abyss getting cut up with glass shards and Randy Orton attacking innocent bystanders like John Cena's dad, at least on a kayfabe level. Although they're showing it in the video wire, because it's a significant moment fans want to see. So they're sort of giving the fans the bloodshed they want to see, they just don't want paying customers to see it. The fact that these guys are so much smarter than Paul Heyman was when he ran ECW never fails to impress me.

Footage of Morishima and some guy in a mohawk (Erik Stevens? Eddie Edwards?) opens things up. Looks like a fun match.

Danielson vs. McGuinness is their selling point for Driven, the next PPV I can not order on DirecTV. Now, I know the WWE is the devil and all, but would it kill ROH (or TNA, for that matter) to at least offer webcasts of these things like Vince does? It's probably not cost effective or feasible for a scrappy DIY indie group like ROH or a bloated regional promotion like TNA, but still, I want to see it, and I'm a male, ages 18-34, everyone listens to my suggestions no matter how stupid they are!

We get another viewer discretion advised warning for the beatdown, as there are apparently terrorists in the front row beating on the barricades. They're wearing black ski masks and bandannas, so the connotation is there, although it's not as explicitly offensive as when Val Venis was pretending to be a murderous Arab and slit Undertaker's throat for Muhammad Hassan, so point to ROH. Shirtless guy from the VDA bit, Jimmy Jacobs (in swank white suit), Lacey, and some crazy looking hick who I assume is Necro Butcher hit the ring and we get highlights of actual wrestling moves.

"I told y'all if you let me out of my cage, I'd pile up bodies to the sky." So says crazy hick guy. What, did he just walk out of a Rob Zombie movie or something? Is he one of the rejected Devil's Rejects?

One of the Briscoes is hung by his feet from the cable that held the tag titles during the apparently amazing ladder match from last weekend. I'll buy that DVD. Maybe. The other is merely choked out in the corner. "You sick fuck" chant as Jacobs cuts a promo. He pushes Lacey, who he apparently doesn't love because love doesn't save. I bet that would mean more if I'd bothered to follow that angle. Shirtless guy's name is apparently Tyler Black. Briscoe's blood dripping all over Jacob's suit is a cool, if overly gruesome, visual. Jacobs explains that they went after the Briscoes first because people cheer their ability, ignoring that they're beer swilling idiots. I thought that was ROH's whole hook. Hog tied Briscoe is lowered, as "the Age of the Fall has just begun." The impact of all of this is blunted a bit by all the damn streamers in the ring (and around Briscoe's feet), but still, cool heel promo.

Morishima/McGuiness is advertised for the next PPV taping, before Jacobs and friends add a coda to the promo. "And this, is just the beginning." I have to ask, does drinking blood and talking about how your psycho hick friend is misunderstood and your other friend can't find a spot anywhere make you more or less emo? And how does that cane shift the balance of things?

Shilling for ROH DVDs I may have to break down and buy leads us to a Briscoes promo. It can be summarized as "Fuck shit tits bitch asshole fucking kill ourselves fuck y'all come from the crowd match of our lives fucking bullshit it's a war!" I may have missed a fuck in there, but you get the drift. That's all for the Videowire. There's a link to a NOAH match between the Briscoes and ROH competitor Marifuji &... it doesn't say. I'll save that for later, because it's time for a random ROH match!

Let's go with current NWA Champion (at least the last time I checked) Adam Pearce vs. Pelle Primeau, since I've seen Pearce wrestle live before. He was tagging with Rob Conway, who looked like he would rather be almost anywhere else. Admittedly, if I had gone from the WWE to the McAllen Civic Center, I might be a little disgruntled, too.

Anyway, what little I've seen of Pearce entertains me, because he never shuts the fuck up, so this could be fun. He's wearing goggles, which he assures us give him "X-Ray Vision." How that's an advantage in a wrestling match, I don't know, but okay, whatever. Primeau is from Alaska. That is literally the only remarkable thing about his intro, because hey, how many wrestlers are from Alaska? I'm kind of suprised either Vince, McMahon or Russo, hasn't given us a wrestling Eskimo by now, with all of thet stereotypes that would surely embody. Or did they and I missed it? I haven't visited Wrestlecrap in awhile, I must admit.

Primeau rolls around to avoid the much larger Pearce, so Pearce responds with "Hey, would you just stand in one stinkin' place and quit moving around?" I dig this guy. Primeau responds with a slap. Primeau sort of looks like an even skinnier, smaller CM Punk, so I guess that's something else remarkable about him. He springboards off the rope and headscissors Pearce out of the ring, which really strains my suspension of disbelief, given the size difference. I say this as a big Rey Mysterio mark who loved his giant killer days in WCW, though, so take that how you will. Primeau then follows with a springboard plancha off the top, nailing both Pearce and his "manservant" Shane Haggadorn (Hagadorn? Hag-a-Dorn?). The momentum takes him up the ramp, and then he steps on both guys on the way back to the ring. Okay, good on you, Skinnier Punk.

Back in, Primeau plays to the crowd while Pearce regroups, allowing the kind of lame announcers to fill us in on the back story. Primeau with some clubbering and yells "I'm gonna kill him!" Good luck with that, pal. He calls Pearce Repo Man, which is pretty funny if also incredibly obscure, before hitting a fore arm. More fore armery, but a charge is cut off by a massive bitch slap from Pearce. Chokeslam follows. Pearce does some more talking while the announcer shills ROHVideos.com. Scoop and a flinging slam from Pearce. Suplex variant from Pearce, as he just sort of flips Primeau over without falling back, and we're in squash territory.

Off the ropes goes Primeau, but a running front dropkick attempt is reversed in to a double leg, and Pearce hits the giant swing, a move we don't nearly see enough of in the "majors". That puts Primeau on the apron. Cocky pin with a knee, but he picks him up at two. That shit's a cardinal sin for a heel in most cases, but I think Pearce will be okay here. Whatever happened in this match, it didn't keep him from winning the oldest belt in wrestling, at least. Crowd's chanting some shit I can't understand as Pearce tosses Primeau across the ring again. Crappy announcer gets in a funny comment, asking if Pearce is just going for distance at this point. He still sounds like a pubescent fifteen year old, but a good line's a good line.

Primeau finally does something that doesn't involve selling by sunset flipping out of an apparent finisher attempt by Pearce. That gets two but Pearce is right back on him with a forearm. More clubbering as the match slows down again. Primeau blocks a charge with boots and hits a Mysterio-esque flying senton press off the top (pubescent announcer calls it a Thesz Press, but I like my description better) and hits a Low-Ki esque, except that isn't as good as Low-Ki's, double stomp immediately after. That outburst has him gasping for air, so he tries to get the crowd behind him in lieu of doing anything to capitalize on getting Pearce down.
A Primeau charge is reveresed a couple times, which is the kind of shit I mark out for, going from a tilt-a-whirl from Pearce, to a DDT from Primeau, and ending up with a suplex from Pearce. That leads to a cool looking jumping piledriver, and that's all she wrote. Well, at least Pearce doesn't have to worry about getting challenged for the NWA Title by this guy. Hagadorn adds insult to injury by stepping on Primeau's chest and then hitting him with his trophy, which does not look homoerotic at all, given that the trophy's resting precariously near Hagadorn's crotch. Of course, all of pro wrestling is homoerotic (except Divas matches, and sometimes not even then), so I'll just shut up, lest I make any heterosexual folks in the audience question their leanings. Okay squash, but you know, you get what you paid for. If I felt qualified to give star ratings, I'd go *3/73rds for this one. It had a beat and you could dance to it.

Next time, maybe some TNA and Smackdown! thoughts, if either show gives me anything to work with. And no, I doubt Kristal and Teddy's marriage will be part of that, and it's pretty sad that I've read the TNA spoilers and already forgot what was going to happen. I can see why people turn to this piddly indie stuff.