So there's a WWE Pay-Per-View Sunday--

-- and I don't care.

I'm sorry. I didn't start this blog to be the stereotypical jaded wrestling fan who bitches about how much they hate the WWE. And I'm really not here to do that today. But somehow, my apathy for this month's WWE offering has motivated me to write more than the breaking drug scandal, TNA's move two hours, or whatever supposedly mindblowing thing ROH is up to, or anything else this month, and I think I should run with that.

Here's a little secret I'll let you in on, theoretical reader; I don't watch a lot of PPVs. I don't have the money to shell out $39 for every WWE pay-per-view and I don't have the interest to pay for TNA. I would have bought ROH's first PPV, but apparently DirecTV thinks XPW's a more viable commodity (I shit you not, they had an XPW show on PPV the same month Respect is Earned debuted), and don't carry them, and I am not changing cable services just to watch an indie wrestling show, no matter how good it may be. I am against downloading shows from the net on ethical grounds (well, that and I don't have access to a computer that I could download a show on over the course of a day).

The only viable option I have for watching PPVs is going to the local sports bar, a la Ken Anderson, and watching the WWE's latest PPV offerings. It's actually a pretty good deal; cover's $5, and the meal usually runs me about $15. So, for half the price that WWE charges, I get dinner and a show!

I'm pretty choosy about which shows I go to even under those conditions though. Generally, if there aren't two matches I'm really excited about, I skip it, unless a buddy wants to go (usually I have to try and round people up to go, which can be pretty fruitless, especially because I usually waver on whether I want to go to a WWE show until three hours before it starts). There are exceptions; I'll go to Wrestlemania no matter what the card looks like, and if there's one dream match (Punk vs. Benoit at this year's Vengeance; that's a horrendous example for a number of reasons, but it was the only match I wanted to pay to see on that card) or something like Trish Stratus's retirement match last year, I'll overlook a card I wouldn't care for otherwise.

This year's edition of Unforgiven, however, firmly falls in to the miss pile. The two headlining matches are a big part of why; Orton vs. Cena was a good, solid main event, but I'm not really excited about paying to see it again, despite the fact that Cena cut a really awesome, intense promo that would have convinced me otherwise were he not fighting the king of the chinlock. As for the other world title match, look; I'm the biggest Rey fan you'll find. I like Batista. But Khali is such a massive ball of suckitude that I can't imagine that this match will be any more watchable than Batista/Khali last month, despite Rey's presence. It would be nice if the triple threat stip lead to Rey or Dave taking the belt off of the Punjabi Resthold King (especially because I think there's money in a Dave vs. Rey feud, with Dave turning heel on Rey and fighting over the belt with him), but they seem dead set on giving him a long title run. Or at least keeping it on him until the Undertaker can take it off him.

And that's another thing! As good as Undertaker's matches with Batista were before he went down with that injury that prematurely ended his title run (and added to the growing World Heavyweight Title curse mythos), I doubt that his big comeback against Mark Henry will be any better than the stinker they had at Wrestlemania last year. That match was tolerable because it was part of a four hour show and was just there for 'Taker to keep the streak going and try to justify that ludicrous contract they signed Henry to and have probably regretted since. But as a major selling point? I fart in the general direction of that.

The rest of the card looks solid. Punk/Burke and London and Kendrick vs. The Red Necks could be really good, with the eternal caveat of whether they have enough time to put together decent matches. I'm betting no on both, though, given that Punk and John Morrison, who they apparently really wanted to get over before being on the 'roids became unfashionable, got about 7 minutes for their PPV matches a piece and they suffered for it, whereas they tore the roof off in their two long matches on ECW (what's wrong with that picture?). The World Tag Title Match will probably have enough time to be okay tag formula, and it's great that London and Kendrick are finally back on PPV again, but again, I can't see this being good enough to warrant a night out.

I also wouldn't rule out Candice Michelle and Beth Phoenix being a solid match. The dynamic here reminds me a lot of the Trish Stratus/Jazz matches years back which helped Trish transition from eye candy to legitimate performer. While I don't think she's there yet, Candice Michelle seems to be on a similar path, and Phoenix has the tough gal act that Jazz used to great results when she wasn't hurt down pat. But again, it probably won't go on very long, and they will likely wrestle 5,000 between now and whenever they find a new Diva of the moment. It looks like Michelle McCool's being groomed for that role, and Maria could make a great underdog champion. She'd be like Mikey Whipwreck, but hot! But back to my point, this match won't make me pay to watch this show either, despite Candice's great pair of breasts. They were worth every penny you spent on them, honey!

The other two matches don't sound awful, but they really underwhelm me. I'm enjoying the MVP/Matt Hardy feud, but I instinctivly hit fast forward on my Tivo whenever Duece and Domino show up on Smackdown!, so I sure as hell don't want to watch them live. I'll begrudingly admit that MVP's better in the ring, but I draw the line at having to give a crap about the greaser tag team. Maybe I'm still just bitter that those doofuses beat London and Kendrick, but I can't stand them, and I usually don't get irrational hatreds worked up for wrestlers.

I used to have on for Carlito, mind you, but I really warmed up to the guy when he worked more lucha stuff in to his offense, stopped hanging out with Chris Masters, and started making out with Trish Stratus and Torrie Wilson on a weekly basis, all of which seemed like excellent career moves at the time, but wound up leaving him in a weird bubble of aimlessness on Raw for a good chunk of the fall of 2006. His teaming and inevitable feud with Ric Flair looked like it might turn the corner for him, but then he went and badmouthed his employer before their biggest show of the year and wound up spending a few months jobbing and fighting Sandman and Torrie for it (admittedly, weren't we all wondering why the hell Kane vs. Khali and Ashley vs. Melina were on Wrestlemania but Flair wasn't?). Now he's appearing on PPV again, with a match against HHH... and you kind of wonder if he wasn't better off jobbing to everyone from Flair to Shelton Benjamin.

I'm guessing that the suspensions of most of Raw's top heels forced them in to doing this match (and certainly led to Umaga getting demolished with the sledgehammer and Booker deciding he'd rather run his indie promotion), but it's been put together in such a way that Carlito looks like an ineffectual pussy. I have a hard time buying HHH as a babyface without Shawn around to play off of as it is, and stacking the deck against him doesn't work for me, although it does at least take his tried and true solution to all problems, the sledgehammer to the face, out of the equation. Since Kennedy and Bobby Lashley had a good match on Smackdown! during Lashley's absurd overpush on the role to Wrestlemania using this stip (during which he cured cancer, walked on water, and impregnated all of Extreme Expose just by looking at them, and yet still could not cut a decent promo to save his life), I'm sure Hunter and Carlito can get something watchable out of it, but I just don't care about babyface HHH. I'm wondering when the goodwill will wear off and we can start booing him again, as God intended. Or Shawn can come back, they can tell lame dick jokes, and have garbage matches in the mid card. Whatever.

So, yeah, I'm probably sitting this one out. Cards like this expose the weakness of the "all three shows on every PPV" thing. While all the shows have been hit or miss (and mainly mediocre) since they did the brand extension, at least when they were alternating Raw and Smackdown! on PPV we would get fresh undercard matches along with the usual suspects in the main event. While the inclusion of both tag titles is a nice way of getting some new blood in there, familiarity does breed contempt, and if if Orton, Cena, Dave, and Khali are all main eventing again next month, I'll be down right contemptous toward WWE PPVs. I'll still watch all 5 hours of their free TV shows, pay $4 to watch old matches online, and play Smackdown! vs. Raw far too much, but my disdain for the PPVs still stands!

As is, I'm just apathetic about this month's offering, and just hoping that we get some damn competition. I really hope that TNA going to two hours means that they'll have more room to breath and give us some cool X-Division matches and better developed feuds, instead of increasing the amount of frustrating crap to two hours a week from just the one. Or, you know, maybe I could write a very polite letter asking DirecTV to carry ROH. That could work too. Maybe they'd even tell me why in the blue hell they would have an XPW pay-per-view if I ask really nicely.