Impact Recap; I typed it, so you have to read it

I decided to do a full recap of Impact. I have no idea why, and all I really got out it was a massively cramped hand. That said, I might as well transcribe it here, lest it be a total waste, despite the fact that show is well past it sell by date. I know it was only last night, but trust me; this shit is stale.
We open with Kurt Angle, Kevin Nash, and Kurt's Useless Lump of Silicon of a wife Karen hanging out backstage. Kurt aplogizes to Nash for whatever he did to him at the pay-per-view I didn't watch, and they hug it out. Nash eventually lets Kurt know when it's become creepy. This is why I still like Nash. It also makes me wish he'd been around when Vince, Kurt, and Stone Cold did nothing but hug for like a month back in 2001.


Anyway, Kurt and his useless wife celebrate the beatdown of Sting last week that I fastforwarded through because Karen Angle appearing on screen just makes me want to do that, and I'd already read the spoilers anyway. Nash warns them that they've pissed off the wrong guy, talking about there being two Stings, the nice one and the angry one, name dropping the nWo in the process. Desperately clinging to past glories rules! But that was a nice bit of continuity, though. This causes an argument between the Angles which might be funny if I didn't hate Karen with the intensity of a thousand suns, and long story (slightly shortened), valiant American hero Kurt sends his wife to smooth things out with righteous, baseball bat wielding avenger Sting, before asking Nash to pray for him. All of this makes me think that maybe they'd be better off just playing the whole show for laughs.

Intro video, now with 100% more Pacman Jones! I'm surprised Goodell allowed that. On the docket tonight: Eric Young vs. Ricky Banderas! Er, I mean Judas Mesias. I assume the WSX Title won't be on the line.
AJ Styles vs. Ron Killings in a Who the Hell Are We Supposed to Cheer Match!
Christian Cage vs. Not Rikishi Fatu in the Main Event, no, we're not kidding, and yes, this was probably a main event on Heat sometime in 2000. How sad is it that the fact that they might be dogging it before the two hour expansion is the less depressing alternative explanation for why the show's been sucking? I apologize in advance for the poor formatting, but Blogger has apparently decided that it doesn't acknowledge enter for paragraph breaks anymore, so I'm doing the whole thing manually. Opening (squash) match- Judas Mesias vs. Eric Young- Mesias is billed as being from "The Pits of Hell." That's old Mr. Subtlty Vince Russo for you. I have to wonder if Mesias's home town is adjacent to The Boogeyman's, the Bottomless Pit. I bet they went to rival high schools. There's a "We Want Hogan" sign in the crowd. I bet that would improve morale backstage a lot. Although the more morbid among us can always hope that he gets Nick to drive him to the shows if and when that comes to pass. Yeah, I'm not recapping this match. It's sad, but I think using Young as a sacrificial lamb for Mexican Abyss is probably the best thing they can do with him at this point, after wasting so much of his time with Bobby Roode. I can't comment on the body of the match, but Mesias has one of the lamest finishers I have ever seen. I think it's supposed to be a running downward spiral/flatliner, but it looks like Mesias is thowing himself down and his opponent just incidentally making contact with the mat. That gets the pin on a busted open Young, and then Shark Boy comes out, showing commendable balls according to Don West, and he takes that stupid finisher too. Mesias bites Young's open cut, which just seems unsanitary as opposed to evil to me. Rhino finally proves to be an intimidating enough opponent to make Mesias back off, and that ends this segment. Don't tell me he's going to have to put this mook over at Bound For Glory. To the back, and AJ is throwing a luau for Christian, which for some reason is supposed to prepare him for his match with not-Rikishi. Stick in the mud Tomko cuts the hilarity short because he wants AJ to focus on the match with Killings tonight. Christian cuts an ultra serious promo on the fat comedy wrestler with the giant ass, further harshing my boner for fun. I mean, if I can't get cheap laughs from those three, there's pretty much nothing on this show to hold my interest. Steiners/3D video package. That's all my notes say. I forget when this happened and, again, kind of don't care. Having the Evil Dudleys back again is nice and all, but sticking them with the dead weight that is the 21st Century Steiners seems like a waste, although I guess they might as well blow off the feud at BFG anyway. AJ Vs. Killings came on next, and it was a solid, longish free match, with all of the uneccessary flipping and flopping you'd expect from Killings, some cool reversals, and the requisite cheap finish, as Pacman shoots AJ in the eyes with spraypaint to block the Styles Clash, which is as good a counter as any. I guess that doesn't count as contact. That set up the Axe Kick from Truth, which is now finaly the sole property of Ron Killings (at least until Booker comes down to Tampa or is convinced to worth with the WWE again). I'd say it would be worth watching the replay for this match, but I can't quite go that far. As an aside, who else thought that when they announced Team Pacman that it would be Killings and someone else, with Pacman as a manager, instead of Pacman just standing on the apron? Although, the difference between Jones being legally not able to wrestle and someone like Soppy Gunn or Fat Dogg James or whatever their names are now being physically unable to do so is negligible, so I guess I can live with these guys as champs, especially if they're just transitioning to AJ and the World's Tallest Straightman. Next, we got more Karen talking, as she apologizes to Sting for lying about his hitting her and breaking up that long running partnership he had with Kurt of all of two weeks and then slapping him. Or so I guess, because I didn't listen to anything she said. Fast forward, how I love thee! Anyway, the pay off is that Sting has a restraining order against her, so she gets arrested. Now there's a stipulation I hope sticks. Although knowing Russo, he'll probably have her show up via satelite, so we can still get our half hour Kurt Angle's wife that we're all clamoring for, while people like Kazarian and Chris Sabin play Nintendo Wii and balance their checkbooks backstage or something. At some point, they announced Daniels vs. Lethal for the X-Division Title and an inagural Women's Title Gauntlet at BFG. I can get behind both, especially if Gail Kim gets the gold in the women's match. Knowing Russo, it will probably Roxxy (or, as I have dubbed her, Boogeywoman) or Jackie Gayda or something. Does Jackie Gayda even work there anymore? If so, and they've paid her to do sweet fuck all for a year and a half, then they really are the new WCW. Main event time! Rikishi is dubbed as Jr. Fatu now. Okay, they called hin that the whole show, I just wanted to call him not-Rikishi for awhile. Of course, I greatly amused myself by dubbing a Brock Lesnar CAW Not Brock in a Gamecube WWE game, and seeing awesome dialogue like "I hear you're a great wrestler, Not Brock." So that's where my head's at. Tenay name drop Fatu's title reigns in WWE. You ever notice that WWE never, ever, once has ever name dropped TNA on any of their shows? I wonder why that is. The match was solid, big man vs. little man stuff. Totally watchable, and even if Fatu looked a little gassed at times, it held together pretty well, if for no other reason than that it was pretty much a formula match and Christian's facial expressions were priceless. I spent half of it preoccupied with the possibility that we're Scott Taylor and Brian Lawler signings away from a Too Cool reunion, but otherwise, it was decent stuff. End came when AJ interfered, allowing Christian to get the rollup. Tenay protested that tight pulling was involved, but I literally didn't see it, and again, didn't care enough to rewind. Poor sport Rikishi gets revenge for having to do a protected job to a main eventer by stinkfacing both AJ and Christian, which if nothing else paid off the main storyline of the match. Tomko makes the very untimely save (good job bailing your boss out of the embarassing situation, doofus. Christian should totally fire him for that) but Joe makes the counter save before a beatdown can get going, clearing the ring of non-Samoans and looking pretty motivated for a guy who doesn't want to renew his contract. Our parting shot of the evening is Mesias appearing to choke Sting to death with a noose backstage, which West calls "a great debut." So, apparently the way to get ahead in TNA is to attempt murder on the promotion's resident Born Again Christian and iconic main eventer. Good to know. I hate to state the obvious, but using a song called "the Biggest Letdown" is definitely an unintentional shoot comment about the promotion. Or maybe even the guys doing the video packages are bored with the product. Okay, I'm putting TNA on notice, Colbert-style; once we get to the two hour shows, I'll give you a month. If things don't pick up, I'm out. I'm talking one good X-Division match a week, angles give time to breath, or at least two segments devoted to Christian and AJ's wacky misadventures. If you can't give me that, I'd done with you. At least until I hear you've stopped sucking. Or I cave and start watching again, like I did with ECW. I'm no good at threats. But this show is the one I can most easily see myself prune from my season pass, which given the fact that I watch ECW, is something I never would have expected to happen.