Smackdown! Postmortem

I'm piggybacking off of Troy Hepple's recap, because I already deleted the show from Tivo and am not taking notes on shows anymore, after the TNA recap I did nearly broke my wrist. I'm also using a lot of exclamation points, because it's! The! Season! Premiere! Which is pretty meaningless in a wrestling show, but whatever. Teddy and Kristal are getting married in the ATL, according to Cole. Whenever a white guys says the ATL, I waver between rolling my eyes and snicker very quickly. Cole can take solace in the fact that he sounds less lame than Mike Tenay did when he said Bound For Glory was taking place there, at least.

It occurs to me that Mike Tenay may exist solely to make Cole and Joey Styles feel less lame. Cosmic balance and all.

Maria was there! I'm just always happy to see Maria is all. Even if that one guy in the Ying Yang Twins was apparently trying to replace Lil' Jon's monosyllablism with gutteral noises as the most annoying sounds in hip hop.

Looks like they're still using spot illustrations of the main eventers for the intro, which is considerably less Edge-centric than I remember it being, but that happens when you're on the shelf (and probably due for a suspension).

Dave interview! He likes his shoes and Rey Mysterio! He's having a Punjabi Prison Match with Khali the WWE already announced on their website! And I fast forward soon after Mark Henry shows up. I stick around just long enough to hear him butcher the phrase "I couldn't care less." Unless he meant that he literally could care less, it's just not likely. That seems like a valid usage.

McMahon/Hornswoggle tomfoolery! That stuff always cracks me up.

Jimmy Yang is back! And he did a cool variation of his moonsault press. I also like that they're setting up a feud between Moore and Noble, since Lil' Horny (my new nickname for Hornswoggle) will likely be busy annoying the Coach and Vince. Maybe this whole thing will make the crusierweights matter? Wouldn't that be crazy?

Deuce and Domino vs. MVP 2.0! Holy crap, the greasers are getting better, aren't they? I still hate that gimmick with a passion, though. Really digging the Hardy/Porter feud. Hopefully MVP's heart can handle an actual singles match soon.

Black guys talking about sex! I feel like I should know Bruce Bruce from somehwere.

Mysterio interview! JBL referencing Cole's apparently substantial journalism career is interesting. The Finlay vs. Mysterio match they set up (and the possibility of a Mysterio/JBL verbal feud) are all butter to me, extreme style clash or not, and I'm always a sucker for people getting hit in the face with microphones.

Chuck Palumbo still likes his motorcycle! We get it, Chuck, you're not gay or Italian anymore.

Batista vs. Mark Henry! They're really pushing their luck putting these guys in the ring together, considering every time they've tried to do this feud, one of them has gone on the shelf. That, and if it runs any longer than this one did, the suckitude might create a black hole and implode the universe. Or it could just be awful and boring like Dave's singles matches with Khali. Speaking of everyone's favorite Indian giant, he finally serves a purpose and ends this match before someone breaks something, and debilitates Batista with the head squeeze and tree slam, which I thought he'd stopped doing because it legitimately hurt people. It would be kind of funny if that happened here, given the history of injury I just referenced.

Wedding Time! Half the fun of these thing is seeing who is too big a star to bother to show up. On that list are HHH, Orton, and Cena (Dave and Rey have a pass, because they both got laid out earlier, and they're holding 'Taker back for next week; I get the feeling that him being there would hurt his whole spooky mystique anyway). Kane wasn't there either, but I imagine that's because he's had bad experience with weddings. and he'd look weird, even in a crowd where there's a 2x4 with a bowtie and Trevor Murdoch in his dress redneck attire. Punk doesn't get the main eventer treatment, but he is really just a midcarder with an old belt and a new beard anyway. He was at the taping and gets to see Maria, and probably sex her up in a closet or something, so I still think he's coming out ahead. Especially since HHH has to go home to Stephanie and his demon baby, who's probably already refusing to job to baby food and wanting the finish of his bedtime stories changed, I bet.

When my wedding day comes, I hope Jillian Hall, Hornswoggle, and the Godfather all do run ins. Is it sad that I was more impressed by the hold Mickie James but on Hall to get her to stop singing than anything she's done in the ring since her feud with Stratus? Also, I was really digging Candice's trashy powersuit. Leopard print at a wedding?

JBL was his usual awesome self through this whole thing, from namedropping Doom to continually bringing up the age discrepancy between Teddy and Kristal. And the enthusiasm with which he joined the Ho Train? Priceless.

The way Patterson looked at Briscoe, keeping him from going with the Ho Train, makes me wonder about those two. It also kind of makes me miss them from their Stooges days. Their Toadyism makes Coach look even lamer. Although I also remember their "match" for the Hardcore Title back in the late, lamented Crash Holly's heyday with the belt, so I don't miss them that much.

Teddy's heart attack at the end of the thing was an absurd tonal shift, though, and I have no idea where they're going from here. If it turns out that Vickie Guerrero gave him poisoned viagara and its another heel turn for her, though... well, that actually sounds kind of funny. I'm guessing this leaves her in charge of the show, and maybe this means Teddy's going to join Al Wilson in the old man with hot young woman section kayfabe heaven. At any rate, America's Favorite Gay Wrestling Recapper is right; this was a fun segment, probably the most entertaining (or at least least crap) wedding they have ever done, even if it lacked Trish Stratus in the hottest bridesmaid's outfit ever.