I've always wanted to do show recaps/reviews, and what better place to start than with the one WWE show no one watches! The only wrestling show in a window tinier than the pasties presumably on main eventers Melina and Candice Michelle's boobs! That's right, I'm going to recap Heat.
As an aside, how many people remember when Heat actually had first run matches with Main Eventers, back before Smackdown! came in to the picture? Anyone? At all? All I know is, the Rock, the Hardys, and Edge and Christian did some really memorable work there before it became the B-show (I think the Hardys/E&C feud was a fixture there before they started getting TV time on the main shows, but I may be making that up). And now, it's a web exclusive show where Candice vs. Melina is a step up in profile. Such is life in this crazy, post-McMahon Monopoly world.
I've stalled enough. Might as well get it over with. Your hosts are Josh Matthews and the Coach. Crap, Coach is still doing Heat! I would think being the sort of GM would elevate him past that by now.
Opening Match- The Highlanders vs. Cash and Lynch (and I'm already regretting this idea)
I do like how Lillian announces the Highlanders weight in stone. That's cute. Matthews notes that you don't want your first match in the WWE to be against the Highlanders, which is one of those great "Shoot comments that aren't meant to be shoot comments" Scott Keith always flagged up. Coach at least explains that he's distracted by Unforgiven before ignoring the match on commentary. Robbie hits a dropkick. That's something. Robbie scoop slams Rory (unfortunately, not Rory Gilmore, but his bald brother), which is an okay-ish double team. The jobber taking the beating now, Jason Cash, seems to have borrowed a Spirit Squad member's pants from wardrobe. How sad is it that I miss the Spirit Squad? Mainly, I'm just disappointed that they never had a crazy spot fest ladder match with the Hardys and London and Kendrick. Robbie does a flip counter out of a back drop, which reminds me that everyone in the Smackdown! vs. Raw games, including Big Show, does that. Matthews: They trade kicks. Coach: Is that what it was? Ha! Coach, lacking JR's tact, just says that the match is getting sloppy. He doesn't use a euphemism like "It's bowling shoe ugly" or "Well, it's not catch as catch can". I like Coach on color here. Double inverted slingshot suplex finishes off jobber in Spirit Squad pants in 6:21 in show time. That's a cool move. Why did the Highlanders not get over? Oh yeah, that's right, they're the Bushwackers in kilts. I do like that finisher, though.
Divas commerical for no particular reason.
Davari vs. Super Crazy- Hey, I like both of these guys! If nothing else, it's always a pleasent surprise to see that Super Crazy is still employed. Daivari cuts a promo in Farsi. I think that's how it's spelled. Unlike Khali's Punjabi or whatever, this sounds like an actual language instead of gibberish. Super Crazy's out in his awesome entrance pancho. I will totally buy one of those if they sell them next time I make it to a house show. The arena down here they play once a year is basically in Mexico, so it would probably do gangbusters. Tie up, clean break, Super Crazy chant, which I have to assume is legitimate because, really, why would you use canned heat on Raw's equivalent of Funaki?
Hopefully more people can get suspended so Crazy can get on Raw again. I mean, he had a really cool match with Mr. Hypocrite (Hypocrite!)... I mean Kennedy, a couple months back. Hammerlock by Crazy, elbow out by Daviari, shoulderblock, but Crazy trips him up on a charge, takes him down with an armbar, and stays on the arm a bit. Flippy floppy stuff leads to Crazy blocking a charge to the corner with an elbow, but gets dumped on his back off a top rope attempt.
Daivari chokes him out as Matthews and the Coach debate the merits of high flying vs. technical wrestling. Daivari applies an abdominal stretch, but in one of those "exposing the business" bits, Crazy very obviously lets him do it. Daivari works him over with some solid mat wrestling as Coach actually references Daivari's matches with HBK and Hogan before they go back to hyping Unforgiven. Crazy fights back, hitting a running dropkick and a cool press in to a facebuster for a near fall. Daivari comes back for the jawbreaker, but Crazy counters the head down off a whip (the second dumbest move that always gets countered next to the chin drop off the top rope) with a kick to the jaw, which leads to a scoop slam and a moonsault attempt which Daviari avoids, but Crazy lands on his feet and hits a standing moonsault seconds later for the pin. I missed the transition move, but what am I supposed to do, rewind the show just to see it? And besides, here's what's important; Crazy won! Ker-razy won! He beat the guy of Middle Eastern Descent! USA! USA! Or Me-hi-co! Me-hi-co! I guess that's more appropriate. Especially since Daivari's billed as being from Minnesota, and not Arabia or Sand Nigger Land or what not.
What, Sand Nigger Land is a real place! Considering various statistics, I doubt you'll be able to tell me that I'm wrong, especially given that horrible map shortage we U.S. Americans are suffering from, that Miss Teen Wherever she's from was courageous enough to highlight. I'd inbed a Youtube of it, but you've likely seen it and I'm lazy anyway.
Now back to your regularly scheduled program.
Undertaker video that was on Smackdown! It's actually pretty cool.
The hilariously outdated WWE Magazine with Kennedy on the cover sponsors the Raw Rebound. The only thing that could make Kennedy's various "There's no more steroids in the business, no sir" interviews funnier is if he was coming out with a book titled "I, Ken Kennedy, have never taken performance enhancing substances." Or if that's a plot line in the new Smackdown! vs. Raw game. Anyway, for anyone who doesn't know, Vince's kids is a leprechaun. Hilarity will surely ensue.
Unforgiven hype- Matthews calls MVP and Hardy the "most unlikliest" tag champs of all time. What about the most good, huh, you ungrammatical dork? Of course, I'm not even sure ungrammatical is a word, so let's call it a draw.
Main Event: Candice Michelle vs. Melina- Melina is rocking some pretty cool tights. For a jobber! I can only imagine what she must be like if they hated her so much that they decided to go with the Go Daddy Girl as champ instead of her.
Matthews comments on how it's like being in a club, with the strobe lights and hot women as Candice makes her entrance to that awful techno remix of her song. I do love her little strip tease reveal, as all virile, red blooded American men should. That doesn't explain why I like it, but still, I think that's a pretty valid statement. More unintentional shoot comments, as Matthews says that this could be a total stinker of a match. Okay, that's one out of context, but he was just fawning over Candice's (admittingly wondorous) boobs anyway, and mine's funnier. I think.
Melina's reaction of disgust to Candice's disrobing is a nice touch. It's nice to see her still trying, despite the burial. Or maybe Candice has awful B.O. I'd still gladly have sex with her, mind you. Matthews and Coach make a good point about Candice's evolution as a wrestler as she and Melina do some chain wrestling. Cool roll up counter out of a full nelson by Candice. Charge and a neck breaker/necksnap variant on a seated Melina by Candice, but Melina takes over. Corner clothesline and headscissor choke in the ropes by Melina, but Candice gets out of it and does her hanging choke in the corner over the top rope, which used to be her only move. Candice pounds on her on the mat with UFC-esque strikes, but this is better because it's hot chicks, before going back to time honored women's match stuff like the head pound on the mat, as the match slows down. Melina picks thing back up a bit with some kicks before doing a hair slam. Weird submission, which sort of looks like an Indian Deathlock, but Melina lets go, opting for a rope choke. It's weird that she's not milking the five count to break, but that could be the time constraints. Back breaker in to stretch submission, a la Jericho, but Candice fights out for a bit, only to wind up in a half crab. She crawls to the ropes but can't quite make it, as Melina drags her back to the middle of the ring. Crowd getting in to it a bit before Candice counters out, which doesn't happen often enough. Sure, reaching for the ropes adds drama, but as the King used to point out, it's the coward's way out. Coach describes a slugfest as the girls "laying the wood to each other", which Matthews acknowledges for its innuendo purposes, but Coach no sells it. Candice with her spin kick, which apparently isn't her finish anymore, but she takes too long to hit a cross body and whiffs, allowing Melina to get a two count. Spinning Headscissors out of a tilt a whirl slam by Candice, and she blocks a cool looking Melina kick, causing Melina to do the splits and getting an "ooh" from the crowd. That sets up her version of the Unprettier, with Matt Hardy=esque yelling for emphasis, which apparently works, as it gets the pin.
Keep in mind that I have a Divas fetish and actually like Women's matches most of the time, but I thought this was pretty good, and given more time than I remember them getting on Raw or PPV. Too short to give a star rating to, but perfectly enjoyable. Show over.
So, despite my missgivings, this wasn't bad. I could see myself making this in to a habit. I mean, what with Raw, Smackdown!, ECW, DVDs, youtube, 24/7 online, and TNA, it's not like I watch enough wrestling; might as well add Heat!
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